Transparency…

This particular blog post seems to have a check list to go along with it, so why don’t we start there…

Laying in bed with my big velvet winter comforter?  Check

Wearing undies and my favorite stripey shirt?  Check

Red lipstick?  Check

Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds or Tom Waits playing in my ears?  Yeah, check.

Several hours that I can lay here and contemplate the meaning of the world, my thoughts, my feelings, life?  Um… I’ve got 30 minutes… I’ll do with it what I can.

Photo 360

This is a blog post that I’m sure every blogger who posts about their personal life has published, or written and sent to the dungeon of drafts never to see the light of day…  In fact I’m sure any writer that writes about things of a personal nature has written this piece, it’s just that the Internet brings these thoughts and feelings to the forefront so much more swiftly than a book or journal that could lay covered in dust for decades before it’s knocked from it’s place by an errant boot pushed off a foot desperate to be unsheathed, a ball that shouldn’t have been bounced in the house, a cat that insists on sleeping on the bookshelves.

It’s fun and sometimes so easy to put yourself in a role you play well.  To find that part you fall naturally into and stick to it.  Play to your strengths…  but it isn’t honest.  Sometimes all the lovey-dovey goodness in the world, the strength from within or from the friends & family that surround you, the joy of living a good life…

Sometimes it’s just not enough to keep you moving all the time.

Sometimes you have to stop and admit that you’re human and you need to pause.  You need a break.  You need a chance to breathe and take the world in all over again and remind yourself that there’s a reason that you pour your heart and soul into everything you do and everyone you love.

Sometimes all the random shit you could say isn’t enough and you just have to take a moment to admit that you’re human.  Not perfect, not infallible.  Sometimes talking about the weather, or a tech conference, food, literature, families, photos, music, humanity, the state of politics and what your mother-in-law said last week isn’t enough and you just feel compelled to shout out to the world For the love of GOD, I am not perfect and I just want what I want even if it makes you MISERABLE for a day!

Sometimes you just want to sit in your room listening to music that brings you down even more and dwell in it, sing it loudly and hope that no one hears you but really honestly not care if they do.

You want to shout all that out… to the world, to your loved one, to your family, friends, to the Internet. But knowing that it’s just a moment of your life…  Just an hour or two that you regress into your dark moody teen angst era with dark clothes and incense when you used to sit on your roof at night and write dark poetry and weep because you had no idea how to continue being you…  like I said as an adult I know that this is a moment.  An hour or 2 at best where I just have to scream out and I know it’s best not to use my real voice and scare my child with shrieks of momentary instability so I use this voice instead.

But then my moment… turns into a day, a week, a year… an eternity with a post sitting on a shelf.  And no one may ever really know what this moment was about.  And each time it’s read they could think “Man, her shit is fucked up”.

And that would be true in this moment… the one I’m having now.  But tomorrow, maybe in an hour, I think I’ll be just fine.

Most days I care about that.  Most days I worry that I may be tipping my hand.  Showing too much.  Letting you in more than I should…

Right now I just want to feel the sun, take a breath and have a single moment of transparency.

8 thoughts on “Transparency…

  1. Chris O'Rourke says:

    Posts like this is why you remain one of my favorite people. The insight and revelations you post never fail to make me stop and think about things in a new light. Thanks for such greats posts so consistently.

  2. gwalter says:

    I’m not so sure that you’re not right. We all feel it, experience it, wallow in it, and walk it.

    “when you used to sit on your roof at night…”

    How did you know? 12th & Hawthorne – 1983

  3. Heather says:

    Amen to that! i think we all go there, at one point or another. And yeah, it feels goodf, even when it feels bad, to wallow a little and weep a little and generaly hate the world.

  4. Jemiah says:

    How wonderful. You’ve got moxie, kid. Hope some of your awesomeness rubs off on me, because I feel like this several times a day, every day. It used to be that feeling OK was rare; now it’s about 50% of the time. I count that as a win… but it’s still hard and weird when “not OK” comes back.

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