Things don’t always go according to plan. Not even the good plans. Not even the plans with color-coding and optimism and a little internal gold star. It’s nothing personal. It’s just a fact of life. Though sometimes the thing not going according to plan is the spark that nudges your entire life onto a different … Continue reading lost: one plain light pink leather journal…
At the end of this year I had to give up dairy. Some of you are thinking, oh how unfortunate. Some of you are thinking, shut up and get over it. Some of you maybe don’t actually have emotional attachments to food and might not understand why I’m talking about that at all. October 31st … Continue reading i give up…
At some point fairly recently I finally acknowledged that a fair portion of my completely exhausting myself before noon has nothing to do with effort and everything to do with momentum. If I wake up with nothing structured or enforced ahead of me, I will either absolutely, deeply, fully do nothing… or I’ll ricochet from … Continue reading trying not to tilt…
Last night, as my mind was grasping at straws for a reason to be awake, it started narrating the pain flaring in my lower back and hips. Turning it into words. Into poetry. Little visual metaphors born from the feeling of pain itself. My mind screamed about it long enough that I finally picked up … Continue reading poems lost between midnight and morning…
There’s a space between underdoing it and overdoing it that other people call Tuesday. I seem to have misplaced mine. It feels ridiculous to me that I, an intelligent 48-year-old woman, still don’t have the sense to stop and rest when I need to. I haven’t ever really known how to. Not consistently. But it’s … Continue reading finding Tuesday…
I've always had itchy skin. Sensitive skin. Problem skin. Whatever polite term the adults around me used, the reality was simple: I reacted to everything. Dryer sheets. Scented detergent. Some makeup made my eyes puff up. Perfumes that smelled terrible and made my arms and neck itch. The solution was also simple. Just avoid ever … Continue reading Was it Strawberries or Was it Stress?
My circadian rhythm and I are no longer on speaking terms. 4:00 am-ish: My partner wakes up for no discernible reason and gets out of bed. I ask the time. Upon learning it’s 4 am, I roll over in an attempt to re-engage with sleep. 4:05 am-ish: From the bed, I request that he please … Continue reading upon a Wednesday morning…
I love Halloween. I always have. But I’m at a time in my life where I get to decide how to celebrate it differently. There are no tiny ghouls or goblins in my orbit now. I’m allergic or sensitive to almost everything. I’m easily exhausted. And I’m easily disappointed when plans fall through… even when … Continue reading This Halloween I Order In
Monday is therapy day for me. It maybe doesn’t seem like a good idea to stack lifelong trauma work and mental health check-ins at the start of a new week in the hellscape we’re all living through… but somehow it works. I get just enough distance from the last week to reflect and reset before … Continue reading Masking Monday: The Illness I Pretend Isn’t There
Yesterday I went to brunch and the ballet with two of my dearest. In the process I was around thousands of people. I watched them. I got to know everyone in my vicinity in my own quiet, introverted way. I named people. Formed attachments to humans who may not have even noticed I exist. I … Continue reading masking monday: showing up
CamiKaos 