If you know me even a little you probably know that the last two years of my life have been…
intense
crazed
a complete mental breakdown
meditative
full of growth
difficult
a rollercoaster of medication
a cascade of evaluations and diagnoses
full of doctors
full of love
much pinker than the previous 45 years of my life
I haven’t had a lot of time to process it all because I’m still here living in it. Dealing the first 45 years of my life like some kind of wavy flashback from a 90s television show. But one of the things I haven’t really talked about here is that somewhere along the way I quit drinking.
Alcohol. I specifically stopped drinking alcohol. I would die if I didn’t drink anything. Water, tea, and espresso are still my best friends. Cherry Coke is my… well, let’s just say CC and I have an extremely complicated relationship.
But alcohol, not so much. I had already scaled back my alcohol intake, and in the latter part of 2023, I quit drinking hard liquor. After a little thought, I decided I would just take a break from everything for January (2023.) I poured a glass of Prosecco for myself on New Year’s Eve, but I wasn’t into it. So, a little toast, and then I set it aside.
There were a lot of reasons I wanted to take a break from drinking but the top two were…
- I’m not good at doing things moderately. I do them or I don’t.
- It was obvious to me and to my doctors that there was more going on with me than we knew, and I thought it might be a good idea to see what my brain was like without any alcohol.
Of course, many other items contributed to the choice, but those were the big two.
At the end of January, I was still struggling with a lot of things, but not drinking wasn’t one of them so I decided to take the year to not drink and see how I felt.
Internally it was simple. I wanted a break and I didn’t need to drink. I had some cravings, but nothing I couldn’t handle.
Externally it was another matter. I’m sure many of you know this but it makes some people who are drinking very uncomfortable when someone isn’t drinking. They want to know WHY there isn’t alcohol in that glass. Even if you’re drinking something that passes as cocktail-looking at a social gathering you still have the big “what are you drinking” ice-breaker conversation. Somehow 50% of the time that ends in the person I’m talking with offering to get me “a real drink.”
It wasn’t just social situations. So many meetings are happy hours. Order a pint of club soda with lime while the folks you’re meeting with are having beers and see how it goes for you. Sure it should be a simple thing to just say “I’m not drinking” and move on. But it isn’t.
People want to know why you’re not drinking.
I was talking with someone about this (and I apologize for not remembering who, if you tell me and you want credit I’m totally into editing this whole section later) but why is it always “why don’t you drink?” How well would conversations go if we asked people “why do you drink?”
Those would be some conversations.
As it stands, though, people take the opportunity to ask seven million and one questions about my life and the lives of my loved ones.
A few people were close enough to me for it to prompt real conversations that needed to be had. One friend was so uncomfortable drinking around me she tried to schedule every hangout in a different time and place than we’d ever been together to avoid anything at cocktail hour. My parents offered me drinks and invited me to wineries. Repeatedly, the winery. And I get it, they’re excited about something.
But I was excited about something too. Finding out how my brain functioned when it wasn’t on alcohol. I didn’t know it at the time, but everything I was trying to “get over” in social settings was an Autistic trait. I have spent my entire adult life treating the symptoms of Autism with alcohol. Partly because I didn’t know that’s what I was doing. Partly because I really fucking love a good dirty dry gin martini. Mmmm and a lovely glass of bourbon on the rocks. I know you’re supposed to drink it neat if you’re a connoisseur, but I follow my heart.
And right now, my heart says we’re not drinking alcohol. Right now this feels like a forever decision, but rather than making broad declarations that I might later regret I’m planning to re-evaluate yearly.
Oddly, I never saw this as a New Year resolution. Which is good, I’m very bad at New Year’s resolutions.
Here we are more than a year, with no alcohol. I’ve had some space to think about it, so here’s your opportunity to ask questions about why I’m not drinking, to share why you’re not drinking, or you know… whatever you want to say in the comments.
CamiKaos 
I still drink. Usually no more than one a night. Sometimes none. I still have nights where I end up on the floor after social gatherings. I think I just hate socializing. I get all anxious when I first show up to parties and head straight to the fridge or cooler–kegs don’t really come into play anymore. I’ve been wondering if it would be better to change it up to beta blockers…. On a similar note, I had a recent reunion of sorts in Vacaville where everyone was smoking pot and I am long past that. It was pretty simple to just give a quick head shake when it was passed my way and no one said anything. Being soberish (I did have a few beers), it was a bit boring not being in the same head space (ie, stupid), but not uncomfortably so. Anyhoo, thanks for sharing your insights and experiences. Just