It's 6:26 am on a Saturday. I'm currently stoned on a delicate balance of Bruce Banner, to give me the ability and energy to actually move this meat sack I'm living in, and Purple Punch, to dull all of the joint pain and muscle pain enough to let me stay present in it. The last … Continue reading for a while…
As I was coming in the back door just now I made eye contact with my own reflection. It was a slightly mad sight to behold. My face pale and tired punctuated with my huge dark tortoiseshell glasses with unexpected pops of color in them, the lenses mid tint as I returned from taking the … Continue reading a slightly mad sight to behold…
I love The Clash. I've always loved The Clash. I was so young when I started listening to them that I don't actually remember the first time I heard them. They formed the year before I was born and because they were always just there I never thought of them as a band that started. … Continue reading here we here we here we go again…
About a month ago, shortly before last Friday the 13th, I decided I should do something intentionally nice for myself every single day. I didn't think it would be easy but I genuinely didn't think it would be hard. Some days were easy. I ordered a coffee mug from a ceramic artist who I know from … Continue reading friday the thirteenths, part two of three…
I've never been able to satisfactorily explain this, but I don't like to be touched. Unless I do. And by never been able to satisfactorily explain it, I mean to anybody. Including myself. People sometimes think or feel in huge generalities. I niche down. The big space is too nebulous for me. There are maybe … Continue reading unless I do…
Yesterday, as I was leaving the very same coffee shop I’m sitting in right now, I crossed the street in the middle of the block. There were cars coming, but they were slowed by traffic. I could have walked to the corner. I should have walked to the corner. I know that. And on any … Continue reading something I’d never do…
At some point fairly recently I finally acknowledged that a fair portion of my completely exhausting myself before noon has nothing to do with effort and everything to do with momentum. If I wake up with nothing structured or enforced ahead of me, I will either absolutely, deeply, fully do nothing… or I’ll ricochet from … Continue reading trying not to tilt…
Monday is therapy day for me. It maybe doesn’t seem like a good idea to stack lifelong trauma work and mental health check-ins at the start of a new week in the hellscape we’re all living through… but somehow it works. I get just enough distance from the last week to reflect and reset before … Continue reading Masking Monday: The Illness I Pretend Isn’t There
Yesterday I went to brunch and the ballet with two of my dearest. In the process I was around thousands of people. I watched them. I got to know everyone in my vicinity in my own quiet, introverted way. I named people. Formed attachments to humans who may not have even noticed I exist. I … Continue reading masking monday: showing up
There are times I do not want to be perceived. Whole stretches. Weeks when I am strictly available to my tiny family and no one else. I’ve always been like this: I withdraw, go hermit, disappear. In chat apps you can flip yourself to “away.” Your dot dims. People can still ping you, but the … Continue reading do not see me…
CamiKaos 