forgive and…

I don’t particularly love my grandmother.

My late grandmother.

When she died it was exceptionally difficult.  There is a perception that you should mourn when someone dies.  And I did.  I mourned the relationship she and I had.  I mourned the relationship she and I never had.

She was mentally ill for the last part of her life, there is some question of how mentally stable she was for the early portion of her life but I don’t know the answer to that.  I just know that as a person she was what I was raised not to be.  Cruel, racist, sexist, homophobic, hateful, spiteful and she hid it all behind an affected smile.

She put on one face for the church folk, members of the community, neighbors, friends.  But she was a different person in private.  With family.  Frightening.

I stopped spending time with her with any regularity when I was a kid and we moved to another town, and I hadn’t seen her since I was 15 or 16 years old.

And I didn’t like her.  And I didn’t respect her.  And I could not tolerate her or her beliefs.

But she was my grandmother.  The mother of my mom.  My mom who I love, respect, like and hold dear.

For that I love her. I just hate her more for all the other shit I know she’s done.

That’s something I’ll have forgive myself for, because it’s certainly something I can’t forget.

***

Writing prompts for 30 Days of Truth:

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

8 thoughts on “forgive and…

  1. Xcobar says:

    You make me really touched by this post: I have similar problems with my father, whom do not speak for more than a decade.
    I do not know why, I think it may be totally random, but life is sometimes a bit harder with some than with others.
    In the item “family” I’m pretty much “alone” and for similar reasons.
    How I could “survive this negative influence on me, really, I do not know until today …
    Anyway, I also feel that for some reason, you should forgive yourself about this.

  2. Sybil Law says:

    Yep – this is yet another thing we have in common. My mom’s mom was not an alcoholic (years before I was born) but she was not particularly nice, either.

  3. Stu says:

    My Grandfather was an utterly abusive, hateful asshole but gave me a Dad I loved and respected all his life. When my Grandfather passed away, only his children attended the ‘ceremony’. When my Dad died in June, I stopped counting the people at his memorials. I forgive my Grandfather and will never forget my Dad.

    -Stu

  4. mom says:

    Well said my Darling daughter. We have all worked hard to be what we have become. She was my mom and I loved her. I just feel there is more peace in our world. Forgive yourself, Shea’s and I are almost there. There really is nothing to forgive.

  5. Angel says:

    My own granny also is homophobic and racist and and and… I try to blame it on her generation and ignore it when she goes on and on.
    It makes me heartsore because I know there’s no way she’s ever going to change. I also know she’s not going to be around much longer.
    You want to know what drives me the most crazy? That she doesn’t see as “hers”, the great-grandchildren she gained by her grandchildren blending their families. They weren’t born into her family so they’re not really her great-grandchildren.
    :(

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