For Fathers Day today we decided, as a family, to go see Night At The Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian.  If I were a movie critic I would tell you what I thought of the movie -that it was a fun romp through a world that my family enjoyed visiting in the past and we were happy to visit it again… but it’s a sequel so even though we really enjoyed it and will certainly see it again… it’s plot is thinner than the last and they just tried to give us more of what we enjoyed in the last one… monkey business- but since I’m not a movie critic I’m going to tell you that.  What I am inclined to tell you is about the rest of our movie going experience.

But first I should tell you that in our house Fathers day is actually called #CrankyDadDay and as such Mike bitched (and loudly) about each and everything that occurred until we got home at the end of the trip with a lovely bottle Nebbiolo and pizza fixings.

When we decided to go to the movie it was with the knowledge that the one movie theater we actually like (The Moreland Theater, an independently owned theater on SE Milwaukie) was not playing the movie we wanted to see.  And that the other movie theater that Mike is WILLING to SOMETIMES OCCASIONALLY go to was playing it at 10:05 on the regular screen or in the IMAX theater.  IMAX equals big bucks but there was no way we were getting there by 10 so…  It was nearly $60  for the 4 of us (Mike, My mom, K and I) to get in.  And my mom’s ticket and K’s ticket were both discounted due to age.   And we had to wait in line for more than 10 minutes just to buy the fricken tickets.

Did I mention we got there early?  We got there early.

When we got inside we had to stand in the concession line (because we are not lawbreakers who smuggle in our own snacks and drinks) for 20 mother fricken minutes.  20 minutes for hugely overpriced stuff, but we were already going to the damned movie so WTF?  We got overpriced crap to snack on.  2 sodas, 1 icee, a popcorn, a pretzel and nachos.  For 4 people?  That’s not that much?  I had a pretzle & a drink, Nana had nachos & a drink and K and Mike shared popcorn and a drink.  I think it was more than 30 fuckin dollars but I can’t be sure because even though we asked the increcibly slow moving girl working the counter for a receipt we realized she never gave us one.  FRICK.

But it was time for the movie to start so by the time we had our food we had to RUSH to the theater even though we got there early.  RUSH.  and I had to go to the bathroom…

We’d sent my mom in to secure seats and she got us some nice ones way up high in back but in the 20+ minutes she was sitting there people started sitting on either side of her so we would have had to file Mike, K and I past a ton of people.  I found some seats just as good on an isle and made her come out and join us so I could run to the bathroom and pee…

At this point my bitching ceases to be the fault of the theater except for the incredibly poor and slow service setting us way back on time.  The previews were playing, as my mom was going to sit down she knocked my soda (which I am not supposed to be drinking but that I got as a special treat) out of the cup holder and onto the floor spilling it everywhere.  I said FUCK under my breath and she apologized and I said no problem.  Then I turned to K and said “I”m going to the bathroom, do you need to go?”  She said no.  “No I don’t need to go!”  She was pissed that I asked, she was indignant at the accusation she might need to pee… so I bolted to the bathroom, went into the first stall, pissed like a race horse,  washed my hands and ran back to the theater.  As I walked up to our seats and tried to maneuver around the sticky wet soda spill to get in my seat the movie was just about to start… Mike looked at me and said “K needs to go to the bathroom.”

WhatthemotherfuckinghellomgImgoingtofuckinghaveatantrum!!!

Fine.  I took K to the bathroom but I gave her the evil glare and then told her in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that when I ask her if she needs to go to the bathroom she will tell me YES if she has to go and not wait 2 FUCKING MINUTES (no I did not actually say FUCKING to her but I thought it very loudly) to ask to go to the bathroom.

We got back into the movie just as the beginning credits were done and then snuggled and happily watched the movie that we paid 90 dollars for the 4 of us to see.

*Big Deep Breath*

This is why we almost exclusively see movies at the Moreland Theater by our house or at another independent theater… or we get movies from Netflix.  I love movies. I do.  I love them.

WE LOVE MOVIES

But we hate going to the movies unless we can go to a cool little independent place without crazy flashing screens all over the lobby and all the other insanity that goes along with the big chain experience.

Every time we choose to go to a big theater we draw closer to the moment we say “Never again”.  Today.  This day.  It may have been the line in the sand because between spending nearly $100 to go to the movies and the shitty service and the commercials all over the lobby…  we could barely make it to the movie part of the movie.

Here’s hoping the Moreland has Harry Potter next month because I don’t think I can handle the stress of a big chain theater and I don’t think I can handle the stress of waiting until The Half Blood Prince comes out on DVD.