the not so single mom…

As I’m sure you all know (or have guessed from the title of my blog) I am a mommy.

I have been a great number of other things in my life, some have stuck, some have not.

Mothering stuck.

It stuck and it took hold of my life in a way I never thought possible and 99.6% of the time I am grateful (oh so grateful) for that.

Another thing that stuck? Mr. Kaos.

Once I met him my life changed completely. Notice I say my life changed completely… but not me. I’m still the same person he met that night he met in a smoky jazz club, just a wizened softened version of that girl he met there.

That sounds like we met in a bar, and I guess technically we did, but it was arranged. It wasn’t two strangers meeting in a dark corner and drunkly groping… we saved that for a few days later.
But if it weren’t for meeting Mr. Kaos I wouldn’t have ever been a mother. I don’t think there’s another person on this earth that I would have wanted to have a child with. When we first broached the topic of child rearing… when I first broached the topic… I couldn’t believe the words were coming out of my mouth.

I wanted a child.

His child.

He was older (some would say significantly but I don’t think so) so if he was going to have a child I knew the time was at hand.

It was a new thing for me (the child wanting not the older man having).

But we were in a good place.

We were happy. In love. In like.

He had a good job. A stable job. A house. A good reliable car.

We were as ready as we’d ever be.

Because really no one is ever READY for that first child… are they?

Because of Mr. Kaos’ job we were able to make the decision that I would be a stay at home mom. It’s what I wanted. It’s what he wanted. It’s what we needed for our family…

And so he worked during my pregnancy and I? Did not.

I couldn’t have if I wanted to, I was ill from the very beginning of my pregnancy.

I spent every waking hour nauseas.

He spent every waking hour working, waiting on me hand and foot or talking to the little being that was growing in my belly.

And when K came a month early? Mr. Kaos took almost a month off work.

And then he went back.

And he worked and he worked and he worked.

And he helped me to raise our child.

And he worked and he worked and he worked.

And she got a little older. And we moved. And his job changed. It grew. It changed again.

And I grew and changed and K grew and changed and he grew and changed…

And he worked.

We’re in a house that we love in a neighborhood we adore.

And he works.

And I raise our daughter.

There’s more to it than that.

We work on our house, we work on our podcast, I write my blog, we spend time together on the weekends when we can…

But I raise our daughter.

I have his love and support, and those I could not do with out…

But oh how difficult it is to get K to bed on time when he leaves while we’re getting ready to go and gets home when I’m putting her to bed.

And I know that it’s hard for him. He’s the one away from us for half the day. He’s the one who doesn’t see her smiling face until the sun is down and sleep overwhelms our house. He is the one who must toil away day after day in a place that is not his home.

But here I am with only her. And we laugh and we play. And we live and we learn. And we disagree and she melts down.

And she cries for her daddy… He must be kinder than me, the harsh rule imposing mommy. He is the magic man that swoops in on weekends and makes pancakes to rave reviews.

Everything I do is greeted by a little critic, though a critic that adores me.

And sometimes it’s too much and I melt down.

I’m complaining. I am.

What I can’t figure out is this: Is it hard for me because I need a bit more freedom or is it hard for me because I see the heartache he suffers because he doesn’t have more time for us?

This is hard… It’s life, I know it isn’t easy…

Sometimes I just need to be able to say it.

20 thoughts on “the not so single mom…

  1. belle says:

    I think it’s just hard, because it’s hard. But I’ve been there too. And you’re allowed to complain. Just try to make the most of the time you can be together x

  2. Velma says:

    It *is* hard, truly. I’m in a similar position, and I know. I think you are entitled to complain when you are doing such hard work. It doesn’t mean you don’t love the work, or your life, or the people who make your work possible – it’s just hard sometimes and you need to vent.

  3. stephanie (bad mom) says:

    It is particularly lovely of you to be able to see that it the difficulty is both things. I tend to dwell on the Woe is Me part; you see how hard it is for your man.I’m making a list of things to bring to our first meeting that will make you smile (and things I cannot wear or talk about at length…). take care*

  4. stu says:

    I always say being a parent is the most rewarding and the crummiest job you will ever have. You will see the results of your parenting attention to K now as she get older.-Stu

  5. Traci says:

    That is tough and painful. But it will all work out…. and it affords you to be able to mold her into the great little person she is…x

  6. sybil law says:

    You know that I know what you are talking about.I guess, no one ever said it would be easy?!It’s all I got.I crave some freedom sometimes, too. And then you feel kinda guilty for wanting it, because in a sense we already have that, but really…Anyway…xoxo

  7. Kimberly says:

    That is such a brilliant post, Cami. I could’ve written the same about Neil. So full of gratitude for all he does, but missing him…and watching his children miss him. Some days are so very hard, but all days are easier than they could be if he weren’t the hard working man he is. Brilliantly expressed.

  8. fairytalesandmargaritas says:

    We have these struggles too. Part of our struggle is that my husband would love to be a SAHD, but I just don’t make enough to support us. Luckily, though, he does have one weekday off that he spends with the kids while I work. I think it helps them bond without me being there. But, the motherhood struggle is universal. When I was home I felt bad for not “earning my keep” when I work I feel bad for not being there all the time.

  9. Jo Beaufoix says:

    I love this Cami. And that was the sweetest most beautiful complaint I ever heard. It’s hard because you love each other and if you had a choice you would spend more time together. It’s hard because you are raising K and have to be cross Mummy sometimes. But it will change, she will grow and the love will still be there. Hugs.

  10. Mel says:

    I think this may be the kindest, most mature post on this topic I have seen yet. Good job, Cami. You are such a good-hearted person, and your compassion for Dr. Normal even in the face of your own struggle is an indicator of the love and respect between you.As for your struggle? All I have is a hug:(((((((You)))))))You are doing good, Mama.

  11. Lisa Milton says:

    Oh, I hear you. Now that Greg works out of town, he works harder than ever, and I am alone more than ever.It’s uneven and exhausting to us both, in different ways.I don’t know the answer. Sometimes I picture, in my case, that if we move and he has less of a commute, we will be able to both work a moderate amount and parent more evenly too.Don’t know if it will work.But I’m glad you have each other, Mr. Kaos and you.I’m so glad he stuck, and I’m sorry today is tough.

  12. holly says:

    oooooh i love this.and i SOOO identify with the “having to say it”i’m pretty sure this is not going to get you in trouble. niiiiice. :)no, not sleeping. yet.

  13. DaddyKaos says:

    Denise nailed it, it is both. Your mother had one hell of a job with you and DW and we are lucky she survived it and was able to reaise such wonderful caring adults.

  14. CamiKaos says:

    Everybody: Thank you. I am so glad that my feelings came through clearly in this post and it wasn’t misinterpreted as anything but love and respect for my husband in the midst of life’s frustrations.xoxoHolly: Yeah… I told him about the post… you know. before.

  15. Jenera says:

    My hubby is a trucker and is gone A LOT. So I can feel deeply your thoughts and emotions in this post. I can totally relate.I think it’s important to be able to say these things out loud or on our blogs to make the feelings real. It doesn’t make our men any less as a father or husband. It’s just the truth. For me it doesn’t mean I resent him in anyway. It’s like you said, it’s just life.I myself try not to complain because we were both in on the decision for him to be a trucker. When my husband has to leave and he has to kiss our little monkey goodbye I can see the hurt in his eyes and FEEL it coming off of him when our little guy starts crying or gets sad. I know that in many ways it is harder on him than it will ever be for us. I feel ya sister, I really do. ::hugs::

  16. angel says:

    wow cami- it may be a complaint but its so wonderfully written…big hugs, i wish i could wave a magic sitcom script writers wand and make your world even more perfect!

  17. The Holmes says:

    I know how Mr. K feels, and now that my wife is working again, she probably does too. The time seems much too short sometimes. Great post, once again.

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