Dear Cami Kaos,

Congratulations, you’ve won an all-inclusive misery staycation aboard the cruise ship Med Change. We know that you have no choices when it comes to changing your medication, that said, we appreciate that you’ve chosen to sail with us on a medically supervised taper rather than jumping ship cold turkey into open water. While both routes end up in the same ocean, we like to think the Med Change offers a slightly more controlled descent into misery. We value your patronage, even though you didn’t volunteer for it.

ITINERARY

Your cruise departs the moment you take your last dose and lasts until further notice. Please note that all scheduling is approximate, as the Med Change has never once arrived or departed on time.

Day 1-3: Embarkation & The False Hope Deck
You may initially feel fine. This is a trick. Please enjoy the complimentary headache, available 24 hours a day in every location on the ship. Nausea will be served at all meals, between meals, and occasionally in place of meals.

Day 4-7: Open Waters
By now you’ll have full access to our signature amenities, including stomach upset (available in several exciting varieties), appetite changes ranging from “everything is repulsive” to “I would eat the couch cushions,” and a bone-deep fatigue that no amount of sleep can touch. Not that sleep is an option. See: Insomnia, your cabin mate. She doesn’t snore. She just stares at you.

Day 7-14: The Deep End
Irritability boards the ship around this time. She doesn’t knock. You will find yourself furious at a spoon, a pillow, the concept of weather. This is normal. Dissociation may also appear — you’ll know she’s arrived when you realize you’ve been standing in the kitchen for ten minutes with no memory of why, or when your own hands start looking like someone else’s. Don’t worry. They’re still yours. Probably.

AMENITIES

• The All-You-Can’t-Eat Buffet — Features foods you used to enjoy that now taste like nothing, plus foods you’ve never wanted that suddenly seem urgent at 2 AM
• Brain Zap Spa — Complimentary electrical sensations behind the eyes, available without appointment
• The Crying Pool — Temperature-controlled, open 24/7, no reason required
• Fog Lounge — Relax in our signature cognitive haze where you can’t find words, finish thoughts, or remember what you walked into this room for
• Gift Shop — Stocked exclusively with things you already own but cannot find

SPECIAL GUESTS

We’re thrilled to announce that Dissociation, Insomnia, and Irritability will all be joining us on this voyage. These three always make time for a Med Change cruise. They will not RSVP. They will not respect the Do Not Disturb sign. They have been given keys to every room.

CANCELLATION POLICY

No.

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The Med Change cruise is not for everyone. Do not board the Med Change without the supervision of your prescribing physician. Tell your doctor if you experience symptoms of being alive, as these may worsen during your voyage. Side effects may include all of the above, plus side effects from the side effects. If you experience a rare condition known as “feeling okay,” contact your doctor immediately, as this is probably temporary.

The Med Change cruise is not responsible for any relationships strained during your voyage, any dishes left in the sink, any texts you didn’t answer, or any days you lost entirely. Individual results may vary, but the misery is guaranteed.

Ask your doctor if suffering is right for you.