There. I said it. I am. I never expected this to be simple. I never expected it to be easy. Things are difficult. Tense. Uneasy. Unstable. And yes. Overwhelming.
And the list of things a that needs to get done is long and getting longer. I’m knocking one of those tasks off today, and that’s ‘write a blog post’. The blogging and the tweeting are very challenging now. It’s a difficult balance between being true to myself and knowing that anything I say could be hurtful because the situation itself is full of hurt. For example: I’m going to the store to pick up groceries for K’s lunch could be taken as “I’m going to the store to pick up groceries for K’s lunch.” or as “I’m moving on with my life, please pass the salt”.
So getting any of the tasks on my list finished, even this ‘write a blog post’ item, is difficult.
But one of the most important things on the list of things to do, and boy oh fucking boy is there a long list, is get a job. Employment. Or something. You know… that pays. The problem is that like a fair number of stay at home moms wanting, or needing, to reenter the workforce, I haven’t worked in 9 years. I have no formal education, and though I have a shit ton of office experience and all my fun internetty, blogging, podcasting stuff I still have no real idea what that can equate to. What I’ve figured out in the last several years is that I’m really good at being Cami Kaos but there don’t seem to be many entries for a ‘Cami Kaos’ in employment listings. Okay fine.. not many means none.
Chalk it up to one more thing that I must sit and contemplate before I just close my eyes hold my breath and jump in with both feet.