expanding on a tweet

Picture 4Life always has that when it rains it pours crap happening and when I see it in my life it seems there’s always a balance of good and bad rain.  Like at the same time.  Always.

And I can live with that.  You take the good with the bad and all that and you just keep on pushing.  Besides without the good stuff to distract me from the hard times I might not pull through this big crazy world in one piece, right?

So I’m looking at my fair share of good fortune, my lovely little family, the start of my favorite season and the fact that I finally FINALLY got my favorite boots back from the shoe fixing place.  7 months to replace a zipper on my knee high oxblood docs.  7 MONTHS!!!  But I have to say he did a great job on that new zipper and they couldn’t have come at a better time.  At a time when I needed a little something to put a spring in my step.

Why?  Because I’ve been edgy.  I’ve been sad.  Worried.  Beside myself with concern even though I’m an adult and know that there is absolutely nothing I can do.

I skipped the part I was upset about… I don’t want to talk about it.  Not even with you guys, but this situation is much much worse.  Words I don’t like are being tossed around.  There has been a lengthy hospitalization.  Talk of a long term care facility.  Feeding tube…  other things I can’t say.  Not that the world can’t know them, I just can’t type them because I’m doing this whole tough girl thing that I like to try.  I know I’ll have to cry soon but now is not that time.

Right now is the time that I make bad jokes about horrible illness to my friends and make them really uncomfortable and I think… I think I feel a little bit better knowing that I’ve made someone just a little uncomfortable because I’ve bought myself a tiny bit of distance when I need it most.

So with all this avoidance I’m doing.  With all this looking for a shiny thing to make me smile or laugh for just a moment.  With all this need to make a joke of shit that isn’t funny while I drink my ice tea and ponder Halloween costumes… why is it that I sit here with Nick Cave music blaring in my ears?

Maybe I’m not so good at this avoidance thing because that man could make the happiest person on earth feel lower than bedrock.  But for some reason it seems to be having the opposite effect on me.  I’m smiling wistfully and thinking I should take a long walk under the trees while they still have the crisp leaves of late summer clinging to them.

Or I could take a bath…  either way.

6 thoughts on “expanding on a tweet

  1. Nyco says:

    Ah, I am sorry, Cami! Whatever it is you’re dealing with, I hope it becomes more bearable. And if you want to cry, watch Terms of Endearment. You’ll get every drop out by the final credits :)

  2. NanaKaos says:

    Nyco has a valid point, one of my favorite “criers” is “Steele Magnolias”, strangely enough good ole Shirley McClain is in both. But with the Magnolias comes the wonderful laughter through the tears.
    I cry every morning in the shower, I don’t know why the shower, I guess it’s because I’m already wet and no one will see me cry. .

  3. mielikki says:

    If you want to talk about it? I am totally availiable. AND you don’t even have to explain it to me, because I am keeping up with your Mom, currently….
    And if you don’t?
    I get that, too…

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