I had this big long post written up about something I did over the weekend but it needed some tweaking and a little touching up to keep me from sounding like a completely vacuous monster.
I kid. But not about that.
As I sat down to work on it and make my perspective more clear, life began to intervene and other thoughts pressed to the forefront of my mind. Today all my laser sharp concentrated thoughts are being sorted and pressed aside to deal with some of the realities at hand.
Life is bigger than we are. Sometimes that means great things, sometimes that means dealing with difficult things. Today we’re dealing with the latter. I’ve been fortunate in my life, I’ve had to deal very little with illness and death… but time, how she marches on.
We’ll head off soon to visit with Mike’s grandmother who, in broad terms, isn’t doing well right now. What kind of immediacy we’re talking about, what state she’s in, I don’t know. I can’t think. I just want to go and sit and hold her hand and keep a brave face. To tell a woman who has been a sweet and wonderful presence in my life for the last 10 years how much she’s loved. By her grandson, by me, by her great granddaughter. I want to smile and think beautiful thoughts and not worry that her heart has begun to weaken and that she’s tired.
The last time I saw her I asked how she was doing and she hugged me close and told me “I’m tired, Cami”…
I know what she meant.
But now I’m just worried. And scared. Dealing with dark times is something I can do, but not something I relish. But now, for the first time I have to deal with this as a parent. K loves her. I’m torn between the absolute uncertainty I feel about what’s going on, the sorrow and the pride I feel watching K… so empathetic… so concerned… so sad and worried. She is a brave and beautiful child who wants to comfort her loved ones… even when it frightens her.
But mostly what I think of is what she said to me, “I’m tired, Cami”
I worry about just how tired she is.