It seemed so clear what had to be done, after all my sex drive had been decimated and though I didn’t want to have sex, I wanted to want it. I wanted to feel like that sassy sultry woman I once knew as me. I wanted to throw on a cute little dress and some high heels and not worry that I might be taunting my husband or attracting his attention.
I wanted to feel sexual again, and I wanted him to feel wanted.
It really should have been a simple thing for me to do, pick up the phone, call the doctor’s office and let them know that something wasn’t right, but it wasn’t. You see with my sexual nature gone so was my ability to discuss sex with ease. I found it painful to dial the number to my doctor’s office and when they answered and asked what the reason for my appointment was, the closest I could get to an answer was:
I think the dose on my prescription may a little off.
They got me in relatively quickly, maybe a week later. I remembered the day my doctor told me it was okay to have sex once again and how happy I’d been… How far things had come. As I sat in the waiting room I nervously crossed and uncrossed my legs, fiddled with my purse and pretended to read a magazine or two. By the time the nurse called me back to the exam room I was a wreck. While she did all the normal things, weighing me, checking my height and blood pressure, asking me the reason for my visit, I concentrated on one thing only. Making it out of the room without crying. She left the room after telling me the doctor would be with me shortly and I resumed my nervous fidgeting until the doctor came in. It was one of the female doctors in the practice, the one who delivered our child. When she came in she smiled and asked me how my daughter was.
“Beautiful” I told her.
But that wasn’t the reason I was there, I pressed on and told her what I had said on the phone, that I thought the dosage on my birth control pills must be off. That I didn’t feel right, that I was emotional at all the wrong times. I cried while watching telephone commercials. I wasn’t myself.
And then sitting in the exam room I cried, not a tiny silent teardrop, not a little sniffle. I cried. I sobbed. I was so embarrassed that I cried more. But then it couldn’t have gotten any worse so as soon as I was able to breathe properly I told her the real problem.
I don’t want to have sex ever.
She nodded and patted me on the back and then asked a series of questions. The only thing I recall her asking with any clarity though was if that was abnormal for me. I snapped out of the sulks, my embarrassment was momentarily banished.
YES. Yes it’s very abnormal for me.
“Then we’ll fix it”
I breathed such a sigh of relief that moment. Even though I had been bat shit crazy and sobbing in the exam room I’d made myself heard. She knew what the problem was. We were going to fix it! It took a lot of trial and error, several different prescriptions and a bit more time. With each change the fog slowly lifted. At first sex wasn’t horrifying, but that wasn’t enough for me. I told her it still wasn’t right and we changed the prescription again… then I was once again back in the sex saddle but my moods became less predictable than the sea and I had violent mood swings.
Oops. Try again.
Eventually I had to be taken off birth control pills entirely because they were contributing to my high blood pressure and that’s when it happened.
It was almost a month after the last pill had been swallowed that I realized it. My daughter was no longer a baby, she was a toddler. My marriage had somehow survived more than a year of hormone driven insanity and sex disorder and by some miracle, or what seemed like one, I was me again.
Certainly imperfect, slightly kinky, fun loving, emotional and sex driven me.
On Friday October 17th at 10 pm Strange Love Live will have it’s first Q&A episode and the topic will be sex sex sex. It’s a big topic so to help answer questions we’ll be joined by MissBurrows and Melissa Lion. Have a sex related question for us? Leave it here or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you wish to remain anonymous on air please let me know in your email.
13 thoughts on “losing my libido… part 2”
Wow. This is an incredible piece of prose.Well done. Well done for harnessing the language. Well done for capturing the emotion. But most of all? Most of all, well done for taking the risk.This is just a really, really solid chunk of writing, with soul.Thank you for having the guts to post it.
I agree with Rick! You have written something here that will help many people – couples, women! I’m so (if you don’t mind me saying this) proud of you for taking the risk!It’s fun having great friends! Good job friend!
Rick, Gary: Thank you both, that really means so much to me.
Wow. This is making me so excited for the show! Such good stuff here. And I was just going to post today about how unsexy I feel as a mom three years into it. It’s so important to get it out there.
We’re supposed to have sex after we have kids? Shit. I’m demoted.Serioulsy, though, I feel you. I’m having issues as well, which are probably partially related to the weight loss, partially related to stress, and mostly related to the muscle relaxers I’m taking. I love reading your writing, Cami. :)
you are not the only one in our family that has had trouble with birth control pills. I can think of two others… at least.
A Cami/Lia/Melissa Strange Love Live? Omg, the Earth will implode!I guess you’ll need me there to manage the chat room bids to take your shirts off. It is a sacrifice I am willing to make. (Get the gin and lemonade ready!)Also…yay sex!
now, if i say how great it was? i’m just copying rick and daddytude.i am so not a copier so i’m going to say it sucked.but really you know i loved it, right?there. i have just stuck it up on my wall. and i think that will be a fantastic podcast. unless rick and daddytude already think that, in which case i think it will suck.
I too would rather have Stephanie ride the natural hormone roller coaster. I’ll take a couple weeks of being wanted, a week of smooth sailing, and a week of crazy over uninterested for four weeks anytime.The week of me walking gingerly was worth it :)-Stu
You are amazing, girl.
slightly kinky? slightly???? I think you need to upgrade that to madly, truly, deeply kinky.
Wow, that was brilliant Cami. And the podcast will be fab. I’ll try to be there if I can. Mwah.
i am SO glad you could sort it out. what a cool doctor!