lost and please don’t let me find it….

In my younger days I would second guess myself at every turn.

I was never quite sure. I could never quite decide. I could never make up my mind who I wanted to be. How I wanted to be seen. Just how much of me I could show to the world.

I was very self conscious.

So I went to extremes.

I dyed my hair. Covered myself in tattoos. Draped myself in dark clothing. Wrote angsty death laden poetry. Drank to excess. Laughed too loudly. Spoke too much…

It was all me… it was just me to excess. me to the tenth degree. me cubed.

I thought that in order for me to know who I was everyone else needed to know too. That they needed the meness of me rubbed in their faces. That they needed to know as I strolled down the street that I was Cami hear me purr.

Somewhere along the way I lost that. I lost that part of me that needed all of them to know exactly how I felt about the crack in the sidewalk I just stepped over.

I’m not sure when it happened. I’m not sure where it went or why it disappeared…

but please, nobody return it to me.

***

This post was written in response to David’s question on Weekend Wandering; What’s the most important thing you’ve ever lost?

If you’d like to answer this in a post on your own blog please link back to his Weekend Wandering post and leave him a comment to let him know.

14 thoughts on “lost and please don’t let me find it….

  1. david mcmahon says:

    We’ve all had our process of self-discovery, Cami. You’ve described this so vividly.And the last sentence is the abslute clincher.God blessDavid

  2. Jo Beaufoix says:

    Cami I love love love this.And I can relate in so many ways.And I’m so glad you found your you, she’s fabulous.And the new look is gorgeous dwahling. So pretty and sassy.Go Cami.

  3. Lilacspecs says:

    Fantastic post. A very interesting perspective on finding who you really are, or perhaps recognizing it better after you’ve been too much of who you are.I know, I make very little sense much of the time.

  4. Deb says:

    I love this thought, that development is as much losing as it is gaining, and that it happens without conceit or force. Excellent.

  5. CrazyCath says:

    I can so relate to this self discovery. Absolutely love it. You deal with it so well!What a different take on the subject of loss too. Really well done and thanks for sharing it.Over from David’s today but been before!

  6. CamiKaos says:

    crazycath: I know you’ve been by before. And I’ve been by your place several times as well. David’s good at finding gems for me to read. And thank you. Deb: Sometimes things just kind of fall away. I guess it’s good to leave them there. Thank you.Stephanie: Thank you… It’s not 100 things about me… but it’s 1 big thing.velma: thank you.imbeingheldhostage: I’m so glad you came by! thanks.hilary: thank you… and that david… he does love his linking! Mr. Fab: When is the last time you wore a tie doll?lilac: you made perfect sense to me… maybe neither of us are making sense?Jo: Thank you. Mr. Kaos says it’s my feminist nudity header.david: thank you so much once again for a stirring topic.

  7. The Holmes says:

    This may be one of the best pieces I’ve ever read about growing up. You manage to get a lot across in a short space. Kickass.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s