but I don’t wanna be a big girl…

This for me is a delicate topic. One which I want to take special care while discussing… And how I am to begin I am not entirely sure.

You see being 30 seems to have effected me very very little. The biggest differences in my life are the following…

– there is not currently a number 2 anywhere in my age

– my pants do not fit. My shoes still fit. My socks still fit. My shirts still fit (for the most part). My undies are a little strained though… as are my bras… yes even the new super happy bras. I am not as little as I used to be.

For those of you who don’t know me, I used to be a tiny thin little waisted thing with thin limbs. I’ve always been very busty… since I was 17 probably I’ve had… impressive endowments… but my ass was not always as plentiful as it currently is, and believe me there is plenty to go around. I’m not fat. So those of you who do know me please don’t get on my case and say “YOU AREN’T FAT SHUT UP” cause I know I am not. But the fact remains that in the past 12 months I have gone up 2 clothing sizes and I am a mere 5ish pounds away from the weight I was when I have birth to K.

I am NOT comfortable in this body.

What happened to the body I had been living in? You know… MY BODY. The one that I knew what to do with, how to look at and even appreciate? There are a lot of contributing factors to this for me. One of the biggest is that I am not comfortable in this current configuration of my body. That and I love a lot of the pants I own that I can’t wear. LOVE THEM. My very favorite jeans of all time can not fit up over my ass…. Oh my god you guys, I am so not okay with that? Are you? I mean if you are like me and Sybil and you’re pants don’t fit… is that okay with you????

I suddenly feel like the stay puff marshmallow man is living inside my skin trying to get out. I don’t want him here. He is not welcome in my pants (either in weight or sex… I don’t like food products in the bedroom).

So I have made a choice to not get any bigger, and if all goes well to get a bit smaller… I’m not considering any crazy stupid fad diet. I am not going to starve myself because if you know anything about me and food you will know that I love good food and that will not change… but something has to change and conveniently I have picked up enough bad habits that paring those down could do a lot for me…

We’re going in stages here, and by we I am not speaking of the royal we, I’m including Sybil cause she and I are in the same sinking boat. I have started by asking my sweetie Mr. Kaos not to bring home anymore sweet treats for me. He is the most wonderfully loving of enablers (probably because he likes some T&A). He has agreed not to bring me my wonderful Tirs Misu and cupcakes and other scrumptious little treats.

Bigger than that, hardest of all for me… I am currently down to 1 (count it one) ONE Cherry Coke a day. Cherry Coke has been my life blood. I love it. Love it so so much. It is the nectar of the heavens. It is better than coffee (but I don’t drink coffee). It is better than candy. Cherry Coke is love burning a soothing bubbly path down my parched throat. Being down to only one a day, for me that is a miracle. Soon I will make the tough call between saying goodbye to the sodaspawnofsatan/beautyincarnate all together or doing as the lovely Flutter has suggested and switch to Cherry Coke Zero (but still only have one a day… I don’t want to go crazy).

Oh my, all these details and no funny…. Maybe that is because this is sooo not funny to me. Later we will talk about getting off my ass and that evil exercise but for today… the cherry coke is what I’m working on. Baby steps you know… I have never ever had to worry about my weight. This is a first for me…. I know that probably doesn’t endear me to a lot of people… but it’s just the way of my world. So while this is new to me I’ve got to ask… anybody else in this boat? If you’re not in the boat don’t worry… it isn’t something I am likely to discuss much here… though I know Sybil and I will be whining back and forth to each other in e-mail, we need the bitchfest… er… support.

PS: Problem Girl, I intend to use the M&M haul as a reward system… so yummy, so tiny… so easy to enjoy in little bits and pieces… so do not fear your precious chocolate prize is still going to a very loving home. Can’t give up EVERYTHING…

14 thoughts on “but I don’t wanna be a big girl…

  1. Corey~living and loving says:

    I hear you girl…..I have gained 10 lbs in like 6 months! eeeeekkkk! NOT GOOD!Baby steps are good. You just might stick to it, if you don’t try to change everything at once.Good Luck!

  2. Jo Beaufoix says:

    You’ve said it all Cami.Keep it simple and don’t go mad and you’ll be fine.I’m thinking about the exercise thing at the moment.Just thinking.Ooo and I did that meme.I loved it.And ta for the facebook medicine.I can accept wine and chocolate now.

  3. sybil law says:

    Holy shit. Did you just put pressure on me in public? You did, didn’t you?!Oh well. I deserve it. Me and my extra weight.I think our bodies are identical. The twinliness never goes away.I have only had 1 Dew today – my 2nd is coming up. I take smaller baby steps than you!

  4. thordora says:

    I’m huge, compared to 10 years ago, but at the same time, even 100 pounds ago, I was still shopping in the fat girls store, and still had a gut.I feel your pain. I’d likely LOVE to be your size, but “your” body is what you want, regardless.and Coke Zero is almost as yummy as regular coke, so the Cherry version might be ok. Then again, the aspatame might be making me fat, since I have lost NO weight since I started drinking diet pop. I say, have your one can.

  5. Lori- Fairytales & Margaritas says:

    You can do it! I feel your pain. I did Body for Life and loved it. I really like the weight training as opposed to other exercise.

  6. CamiKaos says:

    Lori: I prefer weight training as well… I feel like I am doing something.Thordora: You think the zero is almost as good? I’m going to investigate. I am all about breaking myself of the bad habits… but i can’t see ever being totally soda free… It is a great treat if nothing else.Syb: I wouldn’t have done it if you hadn’t already agreed to it, drama queen.Jo: I am so glad to hear it.Corey: You sound like you are in the same spot as us. I always thought having the kid was what was supposed to make you gain wait… maybe it’s keeping the kid that does it ;)

  7. mielikki says:

    Sadly, our bodies to change as we age. . .I am wondering, (and pardon me if this is a dirty word to you)if a gym wouldn’t be something your interested in? You eat well, and take care of yourself. . .

  8. CamiKaos says:

    Flutter: Dude, I love you.M: You know that is a dirty word for me. I am working on it though… perhaps you noticed that there was a gum closer to my house than the liquor store?

  9. Lindyloo says:

    Aaah, welcome to your 30’s!! It sucks big schwetty balls I tell you!! You put the weight on easier and it’s a bitch to take it off!!! Good luck.

  10. Anonymous says:

    Portland is rated as one of the best cities for biking and running in both Bicyling and Runners World magazines. I’m seriously considering moving there when I’m done with school for that very reason. It’s my fountain of youth. Plus, it’s a social thing if you get involved with a local running group or cycling club. Just throwing that out there. JustinI started running at 180 pounds and dropped to about 155.

  11. CamiKaos says:

    Justin!!Hey how are you doing. Am I talking to the Justin I know? Eh, you sound like that Justin. Portland is indeed a paradise for runners and cyclists. I think you would love it here, it’s a great city for that and so much more… but as for me I can’t run because of my knees but I love to ride my bike… and it sounds so much more appealing than the gym… maybe I should make more time for my bike. :)LL: it sux. Wanna go on a bike ride?

  12. Kami says:

    Ugggh…the weight issue. I’ve battled it my entire life. Have currently cut out, diet coke (nectar of gods for me), all caffiene, sugar, gluten and carbs. Have I lost weight? I dunno – I’m done with the scale. But, I feel better. It was not to diet this time, but my naturopath suggested for the infernal infection I’ve been battling. So, if I can do all of the above…you can def do baby steps. And, excercise…that is hard. I used to be a weight workout type of girl, but now I’m just trying to do something everyday – even if it’s a little tiny walk around the block. All that exhaustive explanation to say…I feel ya. It blows.

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