Just before he would normally leave the huge multinational conglomerate for the day I call and ask “Are you gone yet? Are you leaving? Are you going to go get it?”
Yes, he was leaving, yes he was on his way to get it. It being my laptop. Not my old fixed laptop but my new laptop.
This was followed by a phone call from me telling him I was getting in the shower, “do you think there will be any problem picking it up, it’s in my name. Is it going to be okay, do they need to call me?”
That was followed by another phone call from me saying I was out of the shower and were there any problems? Of course there were no problems. He was in the car. In the traffic. On his way home. With the new laptop.
As he pulled up in front of the house K spied him out the window and yelled for me and the entire neighborhood to hear “Daddy – is – home!!” I opened the door for her so she could stand there waiting for him to come to the door so she could be the one to open it. In he walked with his briefcase and coffee mugs and water bottle and his exhausted hound dog eyes that have been awake and working for too many hours. It was all K could do not to jump all over him. Then it was back out to the car for the laptop. Fresh. In a brown box with “hp” all over it. I should have been jumping for joy like a hyper little puppy, but really I was just so glad to have him home. And I was cooking. You know, dinner.
I wanted to wait until after dinner to open the box but he said “no, no Cami open it now… It will take a while to get it running”. So I did. I opened it. Out of the box. peeled off the sticker as he waited anxiously to bash his head into the brick wall that is my laptop.
And then dinner. A lovely dinner. Grilled chicken breast, corn on the cobb, jasmine rice. Lovely dear, thank you. What with the kid jumping all over the place and the inability to have a conversation with me, his wife. At all. Because every time one of the adults tried to speak there is something insane coming or going.
Back in the house, I’m cleaning the dishes as he sits at the table trying to uninstall a bunch of shit from my computer… trying and trying and they aren’t making it easy AT ALL. K is running around like CRAZY because he is so stressed out.
More of this, more and more as K becomes more frenzied and Mr. Kaos becomes more stressed as he attempts to get my new laptop whipped into shape… it isn’t working.
And then bedtime. Oh glorious bedtime as I lay down with K to read her stories. Mr. Kaos comes in, hugs and kisses for all, and listens to a story, one of our favorites. K, as always resists sleep even under her sweet dream canopy. Mr. Kaos though is back with my computer as I lay drowsily next to our child willing her to go to sleep. And still he is here fighting the good fight, cursing the operating system, spyware and plain junk that inhabits my new laptop. For some reason Office won’t load. It won’t fucking load and it is making him crazy… So crazy that in an attempt to escape the insanity of my computer he heads down into the basement.
I hear all this as I lay next to K reading a book of my own, willing her to sleep, willing him to be a little quieter as he curses the computer gods… when the most offensive words start to come out of his mouth. Then the cursing is not enough and there are just angry noises and hissing from downstairs. Screams, incredulous angry cries and then thumping up the stairs…. A red faced maniacally smiling Mr. Kaos opens the hall door and peers into K’s room. She is almost asleep, tossing ever so lightly when he says
“Guess what? I’m taking tomorrow off!”
silence… I didn’t know what to say
“Do you know why?”
There’s so much saccharine in his voice I still don’t know what to say.
“Cause the pipes in the laundry room are leaking. There is another leak. I said I wanted to do some work on the plumbing this weekend, well we’re going to. Gonna rip it all out and mumble mumble mumble……”
“Sweetie, I almost had K asleep, I”ll be out in a few minutes okay? I love you”
“I love you too. Goodnight K”
“Stop talking daddy, I was almost asleep”
There was a further half hour of clomping around in the basement angry at the pipes and checking in on my laptop as it FINALLY saw fit to allow him to load Office before I emerged. I sat near the table and looked at him. He asked me to take the Office disc upstairs and put it away. I obliged, I took it up the stairs and then he followed, beaten down by the day, the long obnoxious day, but not broken by it.
“I try so hard to be perfect” he said, “I think I’m just crazy though, but I love you, and your boobs, and you smell so good, boobs and smelling good, they go a long way with me.”
I told him that he’s perfect for me, and that yes he is crazy, but I love him. And we hugged in the loft as I put away the software and he trudged back towards the evil laptop that is giving him so much trouble… and I smiled because he is perfect for me.
He sat down one time more to load my printer drivers… the last thing I remember him saying to my computer? “Hey, here’s your web survey, Fuck you, give me my fucking drivers!”
Mr. Kaos, even on a tough night, is still Mr. Perfect in my book.