Sometimes, I just stop. Not because the day is over. Not because everything’s done. But because I’ve reached my limit. Sensory, emotional, existential—doesn’t matter which. My system throws a little internal breaker switch and suddenly it’s time. Back in the box. It’s not a literal box (though if you told me I could crawl into … Continue reading back in the box…
Unmasking Is Weird For most of my life, I’ve felt fake.Not dishonest. Not deceptive. Just… performed. Like every interaction came with a script I didn’t write but had to memorize to survive. Smile here. Ask that. Tilt your head just so. Don’t talk too much. Don’t talk too little. Don’t stim. Don’t fidget. Don’t correct … Continue reading be yourself, but not like that…
(It's Not a Security Blanket. It’s a Lifestyle Choice.) When I was a kid, I had the blanket. You know the one. Threadbare but beloved. Always slightly damp at one corner. Soft in a way nothing else on earth quite managed to be. I dragged it everywhere—across tile floors, into the back seat of the … Continue reading Blanket Statement
No relationship lives in black and white—and apparently, neither do I. In Act I, I told you about Cheri—the first friend who saw me without flinching. That friendship cracked something open in me, and then it broke me when it ended. In Act II, I picked up the pieces and tried to rebuild myself out … Continue reading my history of understanding friendship — act III: of course I’m on a spectrum…
On masks, maybe-friends, and the quiet exhaustion of trying too hard for too long. I used to think friendship was binary. That story—the one about flower bracelets and a life-sized doll—was where I started. It set the tone, the standard, the shape of what I thought friendship was supposed to feel like. Then everything got … Continue reading my history of understanding friendship — act II: the third thing
When I was a kid, friendship felt pretty straightforward. You’d walk up to another kid on the playground and ask if they wanted to play. If they said yes and were nice, boom: friend. If they said no or broke one of my sacred, unspoken rules? Not a friend. Just some kid with poor judgment. … Continue reading my history of understanding friendship — act I: the bracelet-making soulmate and the life-sized goodbye..
It's strange to me sometimes as the parent of an only child, to watch K's interactions with me, her father, her friends, my friends, the world. I was never an only child. On the day I was born my brother was nearly three and quite happy being an only child. I could regale you with … Continue reading for matty…
Two days before I left on my trip to Austin my mother flew in from the Midwest. She came for two reasons, both greatly appreciated. My trip was very close to my daughters birthday, for which my mom comes into town each year anyway. But the timing, the early arrival was due to the fact … Continue reading mothered
My mornings start relatively early. With the blare of my alarm. A cloud of confused thought as I fall out of a dream. The stretching of muscles and the cool soft fabric of my sheets on my toes as I reach with them for a part of the bed my skin hasn't warmed. Oh and … Continue reading wishing for rain…
I've been quiet here. Not a peep out of me for a week... what has the world come to when Cami Kaos isn't babbling incessantly? There's been too much and not enough and yet I've found time to smile and play and live life in a very happy, if cramped sort of way. I'm hoping … Continue reading all’s not quiet…
CamiKaos 