Monday is therapy day for me. It maybe doesn’t seem like a good idea to stack lifelong trauma work and mental health check-ins at the start of a new week in the hellscape we’re all living through… but somehow it works. I get just enough distance from the last week to reflect and reset before … Continue reading Masking Monday: The Illness I Pretend Isn’t There
Yesterday I went to brunch and the ballet with two of my dearest. In the process I was around thousands of people. I watched them. I got to know everyone in my vicinity in my own quiet, introverted way. I named people. Formed attachments to humans who may not have even noticed I exist. I … Continue reading masking monday: showing up
There are times I do not want to be perceived. Whole stretches. Weeks when I am strictly available to my tiny family and no one else. I’ve always been like this: I withdraw, go hermit, disappear. In chat apps you can flip yourself to “away.” Your dot dims. People can still ping you, but the … Continue reading do not see me…
I’m realizing only now, as I near 50, that I haven’t actually hated my hair my whole life. That sounds dramatic, so I should explain a little. I love my hair now. I really do. It’s crazy and wild and it doesn’t care what I want to do with it, it’s just going to be … Continue reading Masking Monday: Not Natural, But Real…
There’s this thing that happens when I’m playing Animal Crossing. I’m wandering around in my little pink dress and pink bear head, watering flowers, chopping down trees, and checking on my neighbors. Katt has a cold, so I take her some medicine. They’re all thrilled to see me. They gush, they sparkle, they tell me … Continue reading Masking Monday: Demented and Sad, but Social
Back in 2017, we were in the path of a near-total eclipse. 99.7% totality. So close to the real thing it almost counted. I’d never experienced anything like it, and to say I was excited is an understatement. All morning I was giddy. I’d do a little work, then bolt outside to check the shadows, … Continue reading Masking Monday: 99.7% Eclipse, 100% Me…
We’ve established here before that I called out sick from school. A lot. And when I was working from a physical office, I called out sick there too. The first time I was ever fired it was explicitly because I just could not reliably show up and pretend to be someone else 8 to 12 … Continue reading Masking Monday: The Good Friend Mask
Let’s talk about my face. Specifically, the one it makes when I’m not actively arranging it for the comfort of the general public. Apparently, that face says: “I’m mad.”“I’m tired.”“I’m annoyed.”“I’m such a bitch.” Here’s the thing: I’m not mad. I’m not tired. I’m not annoyed. (Okay, sometimes I’m annoyed, but usually at my email … Continue reading Masking Monday: The Face at Rest…
I spoke at an open source conference last week.For the first time since I left my old job.For the first time since the breakdown.For the first time since the diagnosis. I tried to follow the old, tried-and-true formula for writing a talk. The process that always worked before. It didn’t serve me. But it didn’t … Continue reading Masking Monday: Unscripted, Unmasked, Undone…
I’ve worn a version of myself like a costume for so long that I don’t always know who’s underneath it. Some days, I’m just a collection of practiced expressions.A carefully modulated tone.A perfectly timed laugh.A soft nod when I want to scream.A full human suit built to make sure you’re comfortable—no matter what it costs … Continue reading Masking Monday: What Is Masking, Really?
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