Unmasking Is Weird For most of my life, I’ve felt fake.Not dishonest. Not deceptive. Just… performed. Like every interaction came with a script I didn’t write but had to memorize to survive. Smile here. Ask that. Tilt your head just so. Don’t talk too much. Don’t talk too little. Don’t stim. Don’t fidget. Don’t correct … Continue reading be yourself, but not like that…
Tag: life
Blanket Statement
(It's Not a Security Blanket. It’s a Lifestyle Choice.) When I was a kid, I had the blanket. You know the one. Threadbare but beloved. Always slightly damp at one corner. Soft in a way nothing else on earth quite managed to be. I dragged it everywhere—across tile floors, into the back seat of the … Continue reading Blanket Statement
my history of understanding friendship — act III: of course I’m on a spectrum…
No relationship lives in black and white—and apparently, neither do I. In Act I, I told you about Cheri—the first friend who saw me without flinching. That friendship cracked something open in me, and then it broke me when it ended. In Act II, I picked up the pieces and tried to rebuild myself out … Continue reading my history of understanding friendship — act III: of course I’m on a spectrum…
my history of understanding friendship — act II: the third thing
On masks, maybe-friends, and the quiet exhaustion of trying too hard for too long. I used to think friendship was binary. That story—the one about flower bracelets and a life-sized doll—was where I started. It set the tone, the standard, the shape of what I thought friendship was supposed to feel like. Then everything got … Continue reading my history of understanding friendship — act II: the third thing
my history of understanding friendship — act I: the bracelet-making soulmate and the life-sized goodbye..
When I was a kid, friendship felt pretty straightforward. You’d walk up to another kid on the playground and ask if they wanted to play. If they said yes and were nice, boom: friend. If they said no or broke one of my sacred, unspoken rules? Not a friend. Just some kid with poor judgment. … Continue reading my history of understanding friendship — act I: the bracelet-making soulmate and the life-sized goodbye..
cami is absent today…
When I was a kid, all the way through the end of my school career, I was frequently absent. I was accused regularly of playing sick to achieve this level of absence. The amount of guilt I have carried with me over the years for faking sick is... a lot. It's a lot to carry. … Continue reading cami is absent today…
the thing about 2024…
2024 came on the heels of 2023. Let me tell you something about 2023. It was fucking rough. I don’t remember it particularly well, but I remember how it felt. Like I'd been hit by a semi-truck. In May of 2023 I flew home from a business trip overseas and slept for three days. When … Continue reading the thing about 2024…
the diagnosis…
The past 18 months or so of my life have been a lot. Never mind any part that has anything to do with anything outside of my brain, body, and spirit. Reflecting on the me-ness of this past year and a half has been a lot. I think my childhood was about avoiding diagnosis and … Continue reading the diagnosis…
I can’t fight this feeling…
Perhaps I should say I won't fight this feeling. I paused. I took a day's worth of breaths. I let the feelings wash over me in waves. Panicked. Numb. Angry. Numb. Mourning. Numb. Disgust. Numb. Understanding. Disgust. Anger. Hurt. Numb. I don't want the numb. I don't want to be calm. I don't want to … Continue reading I can’t fight this feeling…
the one less traveled…
Sometimes just sitting and working things make their way into your conscious mind. Who knows from where the come. It could be anywhere. A look across the table, a penny lying in the street, a particularly intricate spiderweb covered in dew, a word, the sound of a plane overhead or a vivid dream recalled from … Continue reading the one less traveled…
CamiKaos 