I've never been able to satisfactorily explain this, but I don't like to be touched. Unless I do. And by never been able to satisfactorily explain it, I mean to anybody. Including myself. People sometimes think or feel in huge generalities. I niche down. The big space is too nebulous for me. There are maybe … Continue reading unless I do…
Yesterday, as I was leaving the very same coffee shop I’m sitting in right now, I crossed the street in the middle of the block. There were cars coming, but they were slowed by traffic. I could have walked to the corner. I should have walked to the corner. I know that. And on any … Continue reading something I’d never do…
At some point fairly recently I finally acknowledged that a fair portion of my completely exhausting myself before noon has nothing to do with effort and everything to do with momentum. If I wake up with nothing structured or enforced ahead of me, I will either absolutely, deeply, fully do nothing… or I’ll ricochet from … Continue reading trying not to tilt…
Monday is therapy day for me. It maybe doesn’t seem like a good idea to stack lifelong trauma work and mental health check-ins at the start of a new week in the hellscape we’re all living through… but somehow it works. I get just enough distance from the last week to reflect and reset before … Continue reading Masking Monday: The Illness I Pretend Isn’t There
Yesterday I went to brunch and the ballet with two of my dearest. In the process I was around thousands of people. I watched them. I got to know everyone in my vicinity in my own quiet, introverted way. I named people. Formed attachments to humans who may not have even noticed I exist. I … Continue reading masking monday: showing up
There are times I do not want to be perceived. Whole stretches. Weeks when I am strictly available to my tiny family and no one else. I’ve always been like this: I withdraw, go hermit, disappear. In chat apps you can flip yourself to “away.” Your dot dims. People can still ping you, but the … Continue reading do not see me…
I started the morning with a video a friend sent me. In it, a guy was talking about his workout attitude. He had been all-or-nothing. If he couldn’t do it perfectly, he wouldn’t do it at all. That hit me. Hard. I’ve been circling around this idea for years: literal thinking, binary thinking, the trap … Continue reading No One Sees the Dial
I’m realizing only now, as I near 50, that I haven’t actually hated my hair my whole life. That sounds dramatic, so I should explain a little. I love my hair now. I really do. It’s crazy and wild and it doesn’t care what I want to do with it, it’s just going to be … Continue reading Masking Monday: Not Natural, But Real…
Back in 2017, we were in the path of a near-total eclipse. 99.7% totality. So close to the real thing it almost counted. I’d never experienced anything like it, and to say I was excited is an understatement. All morning I was giddy. I’d do a little work, then bolt outside to check the shadows, … Continue reading Masking Monday: 99.7% Eclipse, 100% Me…
We’ve established here before that I called out sick from school. A lot. And when I was working from a physical office, I called out sick there too. The first time I was ever fired it was explicitly because I just could not reliably show up and pretend to be someone else 8 to 12 … Continue reading Masking Monday: The Good Friend Mask
CamiKaos 