At some point fairly recently I finally acknowledged that a fair portion of my completely exhausting myself before noon has nothing to do with effort and everything to do with momentum. If I wake up with nothing structured or enforced ahead of me, I will either absolutely, deeply, fully do nothing… or I’ll ricochet from … Continue reading trying not to tilt…
Monday is therapy day for me. It maybe doesn’t seem like a good idea to stack lifelong trauma work and mental health check-ins at the start of a new week in the hellscape we’re all living through… but somehow it works. I get just enough distance from the last week to reflect and reset before … Continue reading Masking Monday: The Illness I Pretend Isn’t There
Yesterday I went to brunch and the ballet with two of my dearest. In the process I was around thousands of people. I watched them. I got to know everyone in my vicinity in my own quiet, introverted way. I named people. Formed attachments to humans who may not have even noticed I exist. I … Continue reading masking monday: showing up
There are times I do not want to be perceived. Whole stretches. Weeks when I am strictly available to my tiny family and no one else. I’ve always been like this: I withdraw, go hermit, disappear. In chat apps you can flip yourself to “away.” Your dot dims. People can still ping you, but the … Continue reading do not see me…
I started the morning with a video a friend sent me. In it, a guy was talking about his workout attitude. He had been all-or-nothing. If he couldn’t do it perfectly, he wouldn’t do it at all. That hit me. Hard. I’ve been circling around this idea for years: literal thinking, binary thinking, the trap … Continue reading No One Sees the Dial
I’m realizing only now, as I near 50, that I haven’t actually hated my hair my whole life. That sounds dramatic, so I should explain a little. I love my hair now. I really do. It’s crazy and wild and it doesn’t care what I want to do with it, it’s just going to be … Continue reading Masking Monday: Not Natural, But Real…
Back in 2017, we were in the path of a near-total eclipse. 99.7% totality. So close to the real thing it almost counted. I’d never experienced anything like it, and to say I was excited is an understatement. All morning I was giddy. I’d do a little work, then bolt outside to check the shadows, … Continue reading Masking Monday: 99.7% Eclipse, 100% Me…
We’ve established here before that I called out sick from school. A lot. And when I was working from a physical office, I called out sick there too. The first time I was ever fired it was explicitly because I just could not reliably show up and pretend to be someone else 8 to 12 … Continue reading Masking Monday: The Good Friend Mask
Let’s talk about my face. Specifically, the one it makes when I’m not actively arranging it for the comfort of the general public. Apparently, that face says: “I’m mad.”“I’m tired.”“I’m annoyed.”“I’m such a bitch.” Here’s the thing: I’m not mad. I’m not tired. I’m not annoyed. (Okay, sometimes I’m annoyed, but usually at my email … Continue reading Masking Monday: The Face at Rest…
Sometimes, I just stop. Not because the day is over. Not because everything’s done. But because I’ve reached my limit. Sensory, emotional, existential—doesn’t matter which. My system throws a little internal breaker switch and suddenly it’s time. Back in the box. It’s not a literal box (though if you told me I could crawl into … Continue reading back in the box…
CamiKaos 