I remember these nights
13 going on 50
sitting out on the roof smoking cloves
burning incense
believing no one could tell the difference
and sneaking around
so very quiet
trying not to get caught
not to get in trouble

I couldn’t sleep then
the weight of it
the world pressing down
like it had chosen us specifically
to hold it up

48 still going on 50
and I can’t sleep now either

it isn’t resting on us anymore

and we did a shitty job
holding the line
pushing back
making progress where it mattered

the heart

I thought I’d stop needing to be a punk
at some point

took me a while to learn
it isn’t a phase
it’s a constitution

I’d like to rest
I’d like to sleep
I’d like to forget the hellscape
just for a little while
just for the night

but instead i’m fucked up on perimenopause
and stress
and honestly
a lot of weed

and sneaking around
so very quiet
trying not to get caught

not because i’m afraid of trouble
but for love

someone has to sleep
trouble is coming
tonight
I’m the lookout.

ck