It’s just after 9 pm on Monday. The first night of July. Which would obviously make this July 1. 

I’m sitting on the family room sectional having just filled out my little pink notebook for the day. “I’ve filled out the notebook for every day in July.” I joked.

I’m very funny. That’s something you may not know about me. 

Very funny. If you happen to like that kind of humor. Most do not. My humor is very refined.

I glanced back at the notebook where after babbling about today (I gave myself an A+ and three pink hearts) I set up my page for tomorrow. After listing my three daily must-do items I usually close up the book and that is that. But not this time. This time I added a bonus round section to my to-do list. I was getting cocky. I absolutely slayed today’s to-dos and I admit I was looking to carry the momentum over into tomorrow.

And then somehow it happened. I wrote the last item as the ultimate in bonus tasks that I knew I wouldn’t do.

Start blogging again.

I imagine the hushed silence of absolutely no one as this settles into the universe with a tiny little poof. 

Remember when I used to blog? Obsessively? Daily? Sometimes multiple times a day. About anything and everything that popped into my head. I just needed to write it down. I needed to tell someone. Tell the world. I was a young mom feeling super isolated and words had long been my safe space. So I threw them up on the screen and out into the world. And I did that for years.

Many of them. But at some point, I stopped. It tapered off and then nothing. Like for a year at a time not a word. It’s as though I began to wipe myself from existence in the place that, so long ago, I worked so hard to figure out who I am. I didn’t stop because I knew who I was. Or because I didn’t know who I was for that matter. 

I stopped because I was tired and busy and working my ass off and something had to give. Also because sometimes I get what some may call very very lazy and others may call crippling anxiety, depression, and deep societal shame and guilt. 

So I’ve had that going for me.

All that is to say is that I suddenly urgently wanted to check off that to-do item. I needed to. I just didn’t think I would be able to sleep tonight if I didn’t check off that item before tomorrow ever saw the light of day. And so here’s a blogpost. And me fidgeting with the idea of posting every day this month.

Or at least on the days I don’t get too lost in my garden or decide I don’t want to. Or whatever.

I’m not very good with moderation so I’ll go all in or not.

Probably.