Dear K

You are growing up in a time I know nothing about.

NOTHING.

Don’t get me wrong I know how to be a grownup in this world. It’s the only one I’ve ever been an adult in. Can you see me living in Ancient Egypt or Victorian England?

I think not…

But when I grew up, I thought things were complicated, I could only have one ice-pop a day. Only one.

When it was a nice day my mom would kick us out of the house to go play in the yard. I would pack up all my dolls and play things and take them outside. There I would hide in a giant bush and live in a fairytale land. Just me and my dolls in the shrubbery hiding from your Uncle Matty. Sometimes a friend who had also been booted out of her house would come by. Usually though it was just me. I liked it there in that giant shrub because it was the coolest place in the yard.

I’m sure by now you’ve discovered how much I hate the oppressing heat. It was that way even when I was your age.

So last night when you bolted out the front door to see what was going on, even though I told you no, and I screamed at you to get back in this house RIGHT NOW!!! and then told you that you don’t go outside alone, that is how children get kidnapped and hit by cars…. well I’m sorry about that. Sorry about the fear mongering.

But when I was a kid, no one really worried so much about that.

And I don’t want you to think we live in an unsafe neighborhood. We don’t. Our neighborhood is pretty nice. We know all our neighbors, even people blocks over. People are pretty nice around here.

But that guy in the old beat up car that does 45 down our street while the kids play, he makes me nervous. And so does that saccharin sweet lady who wistfully tells everyone who listens that she never had kids, but that she wouldn’t let them be heathens…

They make me nervous. Nervous for you. Nervous for our family.

All that sweetie, it’s just a summer day set of worries…

Wait til we get to the big stuff.

Love,

Mama

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This was written for a MamaBlogga Group Writing Project.

late night conversations

Last night just before falling asleep I pulled out a piece of paper and jotted down the most hysterical conversation Mr. Kaos and I have ever had. HILARIOUS. We’re funny people. I intended to share it with all of you today, to lighten and brighten your lives…

The problem?

Things that seem funny late at night while watching a repeat of the Colbert Report are not as funny at 9:54 AM.

They just aren’t… but none the less here you go

MK: Who’s being the bionic woman?

CK: Some chick.

At this point there was laughter so ruckus and loud the cats stared at us like we were idiots. I see now they’re kind of right.

But really? The sad thing?

This is the time of night when Mr. Kaos and I do our most serious talking. When we sit back and reminisce about our earlier years. When we dream about our long future together. When we mercilessly mock those who have found themselves on our bad side. What would these sweet, loving, romantic and vengeful conversations sound like at 9:54 AM?

Election…

A couple of you told me I needed to see this movie. You know who you are with your pick flick cupcake cleverness…

So I rented it, weeks ago. It literally just sat on top of my DVD player with MirrorMask and The Science of Sleep for weeeeeeeks.

Typically the only time I find for movie watching is with K. When it’s family movie night we fire up the projector and watch “family” movies on the big screen while we eat our homemade pizza, turkey sandwiches or Chinese Take-out. This is why Election sat on my DVD player for so long. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe Julie & Velma when they said it was good. I did, I really did.

I even asked Mr. Kaos one night if he wanted to watch it with me but he had no time, he was editing a video, dubbing off his old music from the reel to reel, cleaning the kitchen or doing something unimportant like paying the bills.

So I waited.

And waited.

The years that went by that I didn’t know this movie existed… it was just time wasted while I waited to watch one of the most hilarious, dark, intelligent movies I’ve seen. The character archetypes were clear and tangible. The acting was clever and quick. The writing, oh the writing, it was good.

I loved Election. Loved it so much that I wish I had been less like the sabotaging sister and more the psychotic Miss Flick. Why? I have no idea. But maybe it’s because when Reese Witherspoon (who I am usually not a big fan of) threw herself into a snit she was there 100%. That was impressive to me… as was chasing the skater brat down the hall for stealing gum…

There is so much brilliance in this movie that I’m not going to talk about because I don’t know if you’ve seen it and I so don’t want to spoil the fun of naked, sweaty, swelling discovery for you…

So, have you seen Election? Did you love it? Back in the day when you were in school who do you think you were, and more importantly, who would you have voted for?

plumbing 101 with Mr. Kaos

So lets face it that creepy dream post I posted earlier… it was crap. It was a cop out. I thought I wouldn’t have anything good to post for you guys today so I just threw up the last thing I recalled from sleeping.. though I did have that dream.

I felt cheap though. Unwashed. Dirty. And not dirty in that sexy sexy way. Dirty in the letting people down way. Sad dirty. My kid played in the rocks and dirt for an hour and she needs a shower dirty. Savvy?

So I have a present for you… Mr. Kaos’ first go at attaching shower pieces…

and his second…

I have a feeling he would get more done if I didn’t film him. I also have a feeling those would be more entertaining if you didn’t have to turn the sound up so high to hear him compare plumbing to vasectomies.

turkey and cheese eggle…

I had a dream. I did. Really I did. It’s true.

I had a dream last night that I was on America’s Next Top Model and I made it all the way to the end when they send the girls off to a foreign country and I was worried that I didn’t have a passport so I went to Trya and said “Oh my god” at this point I sobbed “I can’t go, I don’t have a passport.” She reassured me that it was alright. They had obtained a passport for me, I was going to some random country… I began to walk out of the room when I said “But what about K? Did you get a passport for her?” Suddenly Tyra began to cry, oh no, she had forgotten, they knew that was part of the deal, we were leaving in 10 days, we needed to try to expedite things, quickly, lets get K into hair and make up so we can get her a passport photo, bring in the curtains and the camera, we have to take a photo and get a passport because Camikaos won’t go without her kid….

And then I woke up because Mr. Kaos was running to the coffee shop. “I’m out of coffee.” he explained, and did I want anything?

Yes. Yes please. I will take a turkey and cheese eggle, thank you, it sounds so good.

And that my friends is how I got what I wanted for breakfast.

PS: I should note that it was really more of a nightmare, I woke up sweaty and horrified.

what’s in my bathroom?

We’ve had kind of a busy week, what with K graduating, bubblewench being in town and Mr. Kaos being on vacation, but we managed to sneak in some bathroom work. Just a little. Kaptain Kaos did the last of the demo, the heavy stuff that required sawing through pipes. I don’t trust myself with a power saw.

With everything stripped out we excitedly prepared to put the insulation in the walls but thought first we would do a 2nd test fit of that shower surround we purchased at Grandmother’s House of All Things Home Improvement Related. We test fit it the day we brought it home and we were good to go… well guess what?

No really guess.

Yeah, so it turns out that we fitted it before Kaptain Kaos replaced the window.

The window.

Doh!

Umm yeah, so… It fit on the back wall of the tub. It fit to the left wall of the tub. It didn’t fit on the right wall. The wall where the lovely new window is. It didn’t fit. It was always going to be a tight squeeze but now? NO.

No shower surround for you.

So what does that mean for all of you? Nothing really unless you commonly use my bathroom. Or unless you were anxiously awaiting pictures of the finished remodel. Or unless you were really vested in my kitchen getting ripped out. Soon.

If any of those apply to you it means you’ll have to wait a bit longer because…

We’re going back to plan A. The one where we tile the tub surround. Or should I say “I” tile it.

That’s okay. Good actually. I was beginning to question the logic of the 3 piece shower surround because we are putting so much hard work into the bathroom and I want it to be REALLLLLLLY nice.

NICE.

So yeah. More work. More Cami hours. We’ll have to install that special dry wall. I thought I had to use a vapor barrier and cement backer board but then I learned that there is special drywall just for this. One step. Instead of 2. I’m still going to talk to the people at Grandmother’s House of All Things Home Improvement Related to see which of those two methods is more sound.

Any of you know? anyone? anyone?

meet the meat dude…

Envision the Kaos Family out front of the Kaos house. Watering roses, drawing chalk outlines, basking in the yard work of our neighbors, all from our little shaded patio. Suddenly a truck pulls to a halt in front of our well kept lawn. A big truck. A white truck. A truck with green letters that make out, among others, the words “Neighborhood” “Delivery” and “Meat”.

The passenger side window of the truck rolls down and the meat dude stretches his face across the cab to yell:

Meat Dude: Hey you guys!

pause

Meat Dude: Hey!! You guys!! Do you like to burn a nice steak?

Us: No thank you.

Meat Dude: How about Pork, Chicken or Seafood?

Me: No thank you!!

Mr. Kaos: Umm, not today.


What? You guys don’t have a meat dude in your neighborhood?

everywhere but here…

I have a mere moment to jot down some thoughts so I’m taking it to let all of you know that I won’t be here tomorrow. I will be many places, seemingly trivial places, but places that tomorrow will be so important to my darling little monster, K.

Tomorrow is a day we’ve been ramping up to for about a month now. There has been mention of it everyday as she prepares excitedly for it. There have been tasks to finish. Tears have been shed. Screaming has filled my ears and hers and probably those of the entire neighborhood. There have been much needed hugs and kisses. Much appreciated smiles and laughter and tomorrow…

Tomorrow is the culmination of all the crazy we’ve been hording for weeks.

Tomorrow K graduates from preschool.

If you have never had a 5 year old girl that may seem insignificant, minuscule, unnecessary. I’ll tell you the truth, 2 years ago I would have agreed. But not now. And maybe, maybe it is just my crazy melodramatic little one that takes these small steps as great mountains but whatever the case this is huge, for her.

2 years ago K wouldn’t even let me leave the room without her. I’m really not exaggerating.

Have you ever taken a shit with a child wrapped around your leg? Because I have.

When K started school 1 year and 8 months ago we encountered a miracle. I took her to school the first day, she fussed, she told me not to leave, I kissed her goodbye and handed my little one over to her saint of a teacher and I walked out the door. I heard children crying as I left, but none of those cries belonged to K. She let go for the very first time that day.

Nearly every day since she has gone to school happily, eagerly, excitedly. Every day she would go to find her beloved teacher Mrs. J. She never wavered in her love, her resolve, her commitment to my daughter and each and every child in her class. She was a miracle for a family that scarcely believes in anything.

So just as K let go that day 1 year and 8 months ago when she let me walk out that door and leave her in the capable hands of Mrs. J and her assistant the amazing Mrs. K, my little girl will have to let go again. She’s leaving her preschool, the only home away from home she has ever had and saying goodbye to Mrs. J who has been like a grandmother to her.

It’s been a tough week. Not just for her either. I’m tearing up right now just thinking about tomorrow. Tomorrow when they will play Pomp & Circumstance and the tiny graduates will march in with their caps and gowns proud and hopefully ready to face the world (or at least summer and kindergarten).

You may understand now why we’ve had a renewed round of weekly tantrums and daily crying jags. Why Mr. Kaos has taken the week off work to spend time with us. Why we’ve planned a special family outing every day this week.

K needs our support. And we need hers.

So tomorrow I will not be here with any of you. I will be everywhere else with the family Kaos, watching my little girl let go again, and hoping I can do the same.

Much love to you and yours,

Camikaos xoxo