Year and years and years ago, back in the day when I was young (but old enough to drink) I was dating a man who wanted to watch Titanic with me.  The movie.  I don’t know if he really liked the movie or if he thought it was a good movie to watch on the couch with the girl he was dating.

Truth is, it doesn’t matter.

He put the movie on.  I fell asleep.  I wasn’t tired. I was just too bored to be awake.

But in the movie there was dancing, sexy time,  people died, and the ship sank.

Right?  Right.

So don’t tell me I need to see it in 3-D.

Okay?  Okay.

For Fathers Day today we decided, as a family, to go see Night At The Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian.  If I were a movie critic I would tell you what I thought of the movie -that it was a fun romp through a world that my family enjoyed visiting in the past and we were happy to visit it again… but it’s a sequel so even though we really enjoyed it and will certainly see it again… it’s plot is thinner than the last and they just tried to give us more of what we enjoyed in the last one… monkey business- but since I’m not a movie critic I’m going to tell you that.  What I am inclined to tell you is about the rest of our movie going experience.

But first I should tell you that in our house Fathers day is actually called #CrankyDadDay and as such Mike bitched (and loudly) about each and everything that occurred until we got home at the end of the trip with a lovely bottle Nebbiolo and pizza fixings.

When we decided to go to the movie it was with the knowledge that the one movie theater we actually like (The Moreland Theater, an independently owned theater on SE Milwaukie) was not playing the movie we wanted to see.  And that the other movie theater that Mike is WILLING to SOMETIMES OCCASIONALLY go to was playing it at 10:05 on the regular screen or in the IMAX theater.  IMAX equals big bucks but there was no way we were getting there by 10 so…  It was nearly $60  for the 4 of us (Mike, My mom, K and I) to get in.  And my mom’s ticket and K’s ticket were both discounted due to age.   And we had to wait in line for more than 10 minutes just to buy the fricken tickets.

Did I mention we got there early?  We got there early.

When we got inside we had to stand in the concession line (because we are not lawbreakers who smuggle in our own snacks and drinks) for 20 mother fricken minutes.  20 minutes for hugely overpriced stuff, but we were already going to the damned movie so WTF?  We got overpriced crap to snack on.  2 sodas, 1 icee, a popcorn, a pretzel and nachos.  For 4 people?  That’s not that much?  I had a pretzle & a drink, Nana had nachos & a drink and K and Mike shared popcorn and a drink.  I think it was more than 30 fuckin dollars but I can’t be sure because even though we asked the increcibly slow moving girl working the counter for a receipt we realized she never gave us one.  FRICK.

But it was time for the movie to start so by the time we had our food we had to RUSH to the theater even though we got there early.  RUSH.  and I had to go to the bathroom…

We’d sent my mom in to secure seats and she got us some nice ones way up high in back but in the 20+ minutes she was sitting there people started sitting on either side of her so we would have had to file Mike, K and I past a ton of people.  I found some seats just as good on an isle and made her come out and join us so I could run to the bathroom and pee…

At this point my bitching ceases to be the fault of the theater except for the incredibly poor and slow service setting us way back on time.  The previews were playing, as my mom was going to sit down she knocked my soda (which I am not supposed to be drinking but that I got as a special treat) out of the cup holder and onto the floor spilling it everywhere.  I said FUCK under my breath and she apologized and I said no problem.  Then I turned to K and said “I”m going to the bathroom, do you need to go?”  She said no.  “No I don’t need to go!”  She was pissed that I asked, she was indignant at the accusation she might need to pee… so I bolted to the bathroom, went into the first stall, pissed like a race horse,  washed my hands and ran back to the theater.  As I walked up to our seats and tried to maneuver around the sticky wet soda spill to get in my seat the movie was just about to start… Mike looked at me and said “K needs to go to the bathroom.”

WhatthemotherfuckinghellomgImgoingtofuckinghaveatantrum!!!

Fine.  I took K to the bathroom but I gave her the evil glare and then told her in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that when I ask her if she needs to go to the bathroom she will tell me YES if she has to go and not wait 2 FUCKING MINUTES (no I did not actually say FUCKING to her but I thought it very loudly) to ask to go to the bathroom.

We got back into the movie just as the beginning credits were done and then snuggled and happily watched the movie that we paid 90 dollars for the 4 of us to see.

*Big Deep Breath*

This is why we almost exclusively see movies at the Moreland Theater by our house or at another independent theater… or we get movies from Netflix.  I love movies. I do.  I love them.

WE LOVE MOVIES

But we hate going to the movies unless we can go to a cool little independent place without crazy flashing screens all over the lobby and all the other insanity that goes along with the big chain experience.

Every time we choose to go to a big theater we draw closer to the moment we say “Never again”.  Today.  This day.  It may have been the line in the sand because between spending nearly $100 to go to the movies and the shitty service and the commercials all over the lobby…  we could barely make it to the movie part of the movie.

Here’s hoping the Moreland has Harry Potter next month because I don’t think I can handle the stress of a big chain theater and I don’t think I can handle the stress of waiting until The Half Blood Prince comes out on DVD.

I don’t get to go to the movies nearly as often as I’d like.  It’s a form of escapism I love to indulge in but time is not necessarily on my side with this activity.

But Star Trek… there was a new Star Trek movie and I needed to see it.  And even though it was seemingly impossible for me to see it until next Sunday, a way presented itself.  And Mike took me to the movies.

Tee hee hee.  Allow me a moment.  I’m such a girl but I still get all giggly when my husband and I go out on a date.  We ate popcorn and shared a soda (a strict no no and big treat for me) and as we waited for the movie to start in our one screen locally owned and operated theater we listened to Nat King Cole and snuggled.

Yes.  We did.  So you see even before the movie got started it was a good time.  As a matter of fact the movie could have sucked and we would have still been happy there.  Happily heckling a bad movie, but still happy.

As it happens though the movie did not suck.  It was pretty fricken awesome in fact.  There were a couple of scenes that disappointed a bit but the movie as a whole was strong and entertaining.  I laughed and cried.  Those aren’t just words.  I really laughed and cried.  I actually cried before I laughed now that I think of it.

The time passed quickly with us holding hands and enjoying not just the movie but our unexpected time alone (and the popcorn and soda yum yum) and then with a bang the movie was over and it was time to go.

We put on our sunglasses and began to stroll down the street hand in hand.  We stopped at the corner and waited for the walk sign to light up and lead us across the street.  We checked to make sure that the cars were all obeying the traffic laws and then we stepped into the street.

Then a bitch in a huge white SUV turned onto the street without looking and tried to mow my husband down without looking.

I don’t call her a bitch lightly.  I would just say she was distracted and not paying attention but then the dumb bitch FLIPPED MIKE OFF for almost getting hit by her car.

Oh the joy of going to the movies.

It is a rare occasion indeed when Dr. Normal and I get to go out of the house just the two of us without serious prior arrangement, but it just happened to work out that way on Sunday in the late afternoon.

We’d had a long weekend of fun and fancy, but all that fun was a lot of hard work so at the end of our weekend, knowing that Dr. Normal had one more day off to look forward to, we decided to take advantage of the fact that my mom is visiting and staying with us. We changed clothes and gears (Sunday morning saw Dr. Normal playing a gig in Sellwood Park) and headed out the door.

After a stop to talk to some neighbors, another to pick up some perfume and then a little pause as we randomly ran into some neighbors who moved away a year or so ago we headed down to the waterfront for perfect martinis and a lovely dinner.

We were having too much fun, enjoying each others company too much.

We didn’t want the evening to end.

We each had our own idea of what to do with our stolen time:

Dr. Normal thought it was a perfect evening to stroll hand in hand along the water. For us to spend some quiet time talking and admiring the beautiful weather while strolling along the river that we were married on.

I thought it was a good time to watch and action flick.

I won.

When dinner was finished up we got into Dr. Normal’s car and left the sanity of the city to head out to suburbia where there was an 8 pm showing of The Dark Knight that wasn’t sold out. It was a big sacrifice for him to spend our precious alone time driving out to a movie theater. In the years that Dr. Normal and I have been together we have probably seen less than 10 movies in a big theater together.

He hates them, big theaters that is. We have a small locally owned one screen theater in our neighborhood that he’ll go to if a good movie is playing but other than that he can’t be bothered. I respect that. I appreciate. I agree. I hate those big theaters with 15 screens and huge crowds with overpriced over salted food and too loud sound systems. But…

isn’t there always a but?

The Dark Knight isn’t playing at our theater and we don’t always have my mom around to watch K for us, to put her to bed, to allow me an evening out with my husband when I don’t have to worry about our daughter.

And I really realllllly wanted to see it. REALLY REALLY REALLY.

So he gave me what I wanted. Gave up his sunset stroll on the river to take me too a movie that he wanted to see, but would have been happy to wait for it to come out on DVD.

For that, I really owe him thanks, and an apology.

We drove out to the mall, parked in the garage, walked to the theater and bought tickets. The only think that kept Dr. Normal from screaming and ripping his skin off was that we didn’t have to wait in line. We shelled out $20 for our 2 tickets and I know that everyone says this all the time, but really $20 for the two of us to just get into the theater??? I can buy a movie for that… I frequently do buy a movie for that! For less than that!

But I really wanted to see the movie, REALLY REALLY wanted to see it.

We headed inside and stepped up to the snack counter where they had one thing going for them… they had cherry coke. I asked how large a large was and the counter girl showed me a soda larger than my cat. I asked how big a medium was and she showed me a soda larger than my head.

I ordered a small… it was still huge.

I got Dr. Normal a small bag of popcorn and she asked if he wanted butter on it. I could see the vein twitching in his forehead. I quickly told her no, but even as she was walking off to scoop up his fluffy popcorn goodness he was grumbling about the fact that it wasn’t even actually really butter! “FALSE ADVERTISING” he loudly snarled as she was turning back toward us with his bag of popcorn. I paid her quickly and ushered him along. Thankfully our theater was the closest one so I steered him in and we found our seats…

That’s when it got bad, really bad… they were showing commercials. Not just one commercial but one after another until I felt like I’d been watching ads for hours. Dr. Normal couldn’t take it so he pulled out his iPhone and popped in his headset, closed his eyes and began playing Wagner as loud as he could hoping to drown out the inane advertisements that were sending him into a frenzy…

When an especially riveting piece came on he handed me one of the ear pieces so I could listen too.

There were at least 30 minutes of commercials before the disembodied movie theater voice over woman said it was time for previews, guess what? SHE LIED.

Even after she said it was time for previews there were still MORE COMMERCIALS.

(yes I know that previews are just commercials for other movies… I get that I do…)

It cost $10 per person to get into the movie and they still make us watch 30+ minutes of commercials?!! I hate commercials, that’s why I have TiVo. Dr. Normal hates commercials, that’s one of the reasons he doesn’t watch TV.

When the previews finally started in earnest we made fun of the stupid movies coming out (except the new James Bond movie… we can’t wait to see that, I hope it comes to our small local theater).

Then it was finally time or The Dark Night to start…

Dr. Normal pulled out of his justifiable but incredibly unpleasantly grumpy funk and turned off his music, we curled up and watched the movie…

When it was over (yes, that’s right… I’m not telling you anything about the movie) we stayed in our seats until everyone had finished shoving and elbowing to get out the doors and then we strolled out hand in hand and headed for our car.

I’m just glad we didn’t have to watch any commercials after the movie or Dr. Normal might have imploded before we made it home.

That title… don’t feel the need to tell me it doesn’t make sense. Because I already know I didn’t hear a review… I’m writing one.

writing a review.

I might hear it when I read it back to myself while checking for typos and what not… but that’s not what I’m talking about…

That was an attempt to be clever… I always could have used

cami hears a who

cami hears jim carey

cami hears an 80′s song

cami hears obnoxious preteens

none of those work any better do they? No, they don’t so let’s move on.

This afternoon my mom and I took K to see the new Horton Hears a Who movie.

I was torn… I was of two minds… which isn’t uncommon for me really but I digress.

I didn’t know if I wanted to see it. I didn’t know if I wanted K to see it.

Why? Because I am always afraid that the good work of Dr. Seuss will be destroyed in order to make it “come to life” on the big screen.

I believe that his words are alive.

They guided me through childhood.

I adored them as a teen.

As a young woman a guy I was dating gave me what I consider to be one of my most precious books; The Secret Art of Dr. Seuss.

His writings and art have impacted countless generations of children. He has captured the hearts and mind of millions.

And honestly I’m not that fond of Jim Carrey.

at all.

But still… K… She really wanted to see it. So did my mom.

They really wanted to see it.

a lot.

And I do like Steve Carell…

So we went.

It helped that it was playing at the Moreland Theater… it’s in my neighborhood, it’s historic, it’s friendly. I love that theater.

The movie? It was okay. I laughed and laughed, I admit it. I also teared up a little bit… but I don’t want to talk about that…

K? She really loved the movie. While we were walking out she asked if we could buy it when it comes out on DVD.

My problem with it? Problems actually…

They’re kind of lame and non specific for the most part…

Though I will tell you that they felt compelled to add in some unnecessary comic style violence. I didn’t like that. I think in a rated G movie that extra violence is a little much. Then there was the scene where they made the dentist seem really scary… honestly I think dentists are scary enough to kids… and maybe me… without making it seem like a horrific experience in a children’s movie.

So I guess you could say both of those complaints are centered around the fact that I don’t think you need extra things in rated G movies to scare little kids… or to glorify battle.

Put that in a PG movie… Fine. G? no. So maybe that problem should be taken up with the fellows who rate motion pictures…

As for the movie… It wasn’t bad. It was cute. Really cute.

But it left me a little empty.

Perhaps it was that the Who’s down in Whoville (the tall and the small) they were so awesome. The most awesome of all.

and that Horton was kind of blah blah blah…

That said…

I loved the bold use of REO Speedwagon.

The animation was great.

But still… I feel a little vacant about it.

I’ve never watched any of the modern Dr. Seuss movies. Maybe I feel that while this was really cute and my daughter really loved it…

maybe I should have stuck with his books.

Or maybe I should say never listen to my mother…

Don’t get me wrong, I like my mother. And I listen to my mother.

usually.

And usually… she doesn’t steer me so wrong.

Just the other day though, she gave me a bit of advice. It was a bit late for me to follow it… so I didn’t.

Boy am I glad I ignored her warnings. Boy am I glad I didn’t do what she said.

She told me that I should never ever ever ever watch Stardust.

Oh my holy hell was she wrong as wrong.

I want to wrap it up in a big bundle of hearts and tell it how much I love it.

I want to cuddle up with it.

I want to feed it popcorn and cherry coke.

Then I want to hang up a great big do not disturb sign and watch it with The Princess Bride.

Naked.

Monday was an odd day in the Kaos house. It was the very first day in 2 weeks that I was home alone.

Sigh.

It wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be and I made some poor choices. It started off completely fine, good even… but from there it spiraled downhill until some how we reached the a moment in time one hour before I needed to pick K up from school.

That moment? It saw me laying in bed crying, sobbing, gasping for breath.

Okay maybe the gasping for breath is a little… dramatic…

It wasn’t a pretty moment though friends. It shouldn’t have happened. I should have been stronger than that. I thought I was made of tougher stuff but apparently I am a blubbering mass of gooey messy tears… Here’s how it all went down:

8 am: I dropped K off at school. She was not pleased to be back, she wanted to be home, with me, not at school with them. Who them was I don’t know, she loves her teacher and fellow students… but “them”… they weren’t making her happy.

I got her calmed down though, left her at school with a smile on her face and then off to home I go…

8:30 am: I’m home. I set a few things down say hello to the cats and note that Mr. Kaos is still getting ready for work so I sit down for a moment, just a moment, on the bed. I hit publish on a blog post and then close the lap top and close my eyes.

9:30ish: I wake up to the sound of Mr. Kaos shaving… I shake the sleep off and realize I should get him out the door so I collect up his coffee, water, vitamins and briefcase and put them in the car for him. He walks out the door.

None of this seems very tear inducing does it?

10 ish: I realize I haven’t eaten. Not good. I slice up an apple, cook some soy sausage and sit down to enjoy a quick bite. Oh and I turn my computer back on. It’s frozen. I curse, I swear and then I plead before just rebooting the damn thing…

Still not crying.

11 ish: I decide that I should get a few things off my to do list so I sit down to fold laundry while I watch a movie I’ve had out from netflix since November… of last year…. that’s four months.

I pop Bridge to Terabithia into the dvd player and start to fold… but I get distracted by my hacking cough and computer. I pause it to get a drink of water and then some time later wander back in and press play.

1 ish: The movie ends and even though I didn’t particularly enjoy it I am now laying on the bed in a semi fetal position with my face soaked with tears. The well of my clavicle has formed a pool of tears and as I sit up it spills between my breasts making me feel like the biggest saltiest dumbass that world has ever known.

I hate crying.

Today? I won’t be watching any sad movies so I’m hoping it will go better…

While the rest of the world was partying their socks off or sleeping or whatever it is they do on the eve of the new year I was doing something new.

After the big dinner, a little clean up and tucking the littlest Kaos into bed Mr. Kaos and I crawled into bed and put on a movie that I had gotten him for Christmas. A movie that I have always known he loved. A movie that sums up his 80′s fairly well.

A movie I had never seen.

SPINAL TAP

I know I know, all of you have seen it right? I know I know. You know you know.

But I didn’t know.

Didn’t know the hilarity, the awesomeness, the great humor detailing the 80′s in the lives of guys like these:

Did you watch it?

No? Well we’re all waiting, go on watch it. You can’t play along with the rest of us if you don’t watch it.

Done? around 3:20 did you catch the film time of Mr. Kaos with his fluffy as hell hair in his little spandex glam suit playing the drums and singing along?

I understand my husband so much better now…

though I still think they look silly as hell…

PS: John… I’m so sorry man… so so sorry.

I know that several of you are scary movie viewers. Lovers of the fright flicks if you will.

I am not.

Don’t get me wrong there are some frightening movies I will watch. But not horror flicks. Not movies for the sake of scary. I’ll watch something with a terror undertone as long as I am not staring at gore the whole time…

I make exceptions for things starring Bruce Campbell or anything that may be funny…

I am a big fan of Evil Dead don’t you know.

So When we noticed that TiVo (that cheeky little monkey) recorded Shaun of the Dead. I had to pause a moment to consider what I wanted to do. I had heard it was quite funny after all… but it was 10:30 at night at my dreams are so susceptible to tampering…

(that should read: I am a GIANT SISSY)

But there we were curled up in bed wanting to watch a show so I turned it on to see if it would be worth saving to watch later. And the first 10 minutes I thought were very good. And the next, and so on until Mr. Kaos said “You’re going to watch a zombie movie before you go to sleep?” I smiled knowing I was silly and said yes I was going to risk it and I did. And we watched it together. Sadly it was the edited for TV version so all the good swearing was muted out but what was I to expect?

We really liked it, there was a great deal of liking, really. Then at the end there was the happily ever after and while I waited all along for the punchline my darling Mr. Kaos didn’t see it coming… and as he held me safe in his arms he literally jolted. jumped. started…

And so instead of drifting off with terrified thoughts of flesh eating drones in mind I thought of how sweet life can be and how much I can sometimes enjoy the unexpected.

Like when my big strong man is the one surprised by the flesh eating zombie ending instead of frightful little me.

We have taken to watching movies in bed this week. I don’t know what about this week has spurred this on but it seems to be the thing to do… so we’re doing it.

Last night’s selection: Star Trek First Contact.

I could say a great deal on this subject. I could for instance tell you that Mr Kaos, even though he is a big Star Trek fan, can’t help himself from calling it First Contract. Or I could tell you that when he was in Vegas last year he bought me a Star Fleet Academy t-shirt which is unnaturally comfortable. It’s also my favorite shirt to sleep in and it’s also Mr Kaos’ favorite shirt to stare at my boobs in as it fulfills his love of my boobs and star trek all at once. That really has very little to do with the movie though since I was not wearing that t-shirt at the time.

But as we were watching the movie we noticed how the crew went about their daily business and Mr Kaos commented that it was terribly unrealistic because OBVIOUSLY everyone on the ship would have their ipod out and would be rocking out to their favorite music…

I on the other hand noted that they looked terribly unhappy and I thought that ipods would probably be banned on ship because they wouldn’t be able to hear orders…. suck-pods on the other hand, or rub-pods depending on how you like it, could be used so discretely that no one would ever notice they were using them except by the smile on their face…

I think Apple is missing out on a really important market there…

****

Late late edit… as I was skulking around over at Mr. Fab’s I went over here and look what I saw…. did you look? Now it isn’t quite what I had imagined under those Star Trek uniforms… not discreet enough to wear during your post in the transporter room or anything… but it’s a good start. Now what about the suckpod?