For Fathers Day today we decided, as a family, to go see Night At The Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian.  If I were a movie critic I would tell you what I thought of the movie -that it was a fun romp through a world that my family enjoyed visiting in the past and we were happy to visit it again… but it’s a sequel so even though we really enjoyed it and will certainly see it again… it’s plot is thinner than the last and they just tried to give us more of what we enjoyed in the last one… monkey business- but since I’m not a movie critic I’m going to tell you that.  What I am inclined to tell you is about the rest of our movie going experience.

But first I should tell you that in our house Fathers day is actually called #CrankyDadDay and as such Mike bitched (and loudly) about each and everything that occurred until we got home at the end of the trip with a lovely bottle Nebbiolo and pizza fixings.

When we decided to go to the movie it was with the knowledge that the one movie theater we actually like (The Moreland Theater, an independently owned theater on SE Milwaukie) was not playing the movie we wanted to see.  And that the other movie theater that Mike is WILLING to SOMETIMES OCCASIONALLY go to was playing it at 10:05 on the regular screen or in the IMAX theater.  IMAX equals big bucks but there was no way we were getting there by 10 so…  It was nearly $60  for the 4 of us (Mike, My mom, K and I) to get in.  And my mom’s ticket and K’s ticket were both discounted due to age.   And we had to wait in line for more than 10 minutes just to buy the fricken tickets.

Did I mention we got there early?  We got there early.

When we got inside we had to stand in the concession line (because we are not lawbreakers who smuggle in our own snacks and drinks) for 20 mother fricken minutes.  20 minutes for hugely overpriced stuff, but we were already going to the damned movie so WTF?  We got overpriced crap to snack on.  2 sodas, 1 icee, a popcorn, a pretzel and nachos.  For 4 people?  That’s not that much?  I had a pretzle & a drink, Nana had nachos & a drink and K and Mike shared popcorn and a drink.  I think it was more than 30 fuckin dollars but I can’t be sure because even though we asked the increcibly slow moving girl working the counter for a receipt we realized she never gave us one.  FRICK.

But it was time for the movie to start so by the time we had our food we had to RUSH to the theater even though we got there early.  RUSH.  and I had to go to the bathroom…

We’d sent my mom in to secure seats and she got us some nice ones way up high in back but in the 20+ minutes she was sitting there people started sitting on either side of her so we would have had to file Mike, K and I past a ton of people.  I found some seats just as good on an isle and made her come out and join us so I could run to the bathroom and pee…

At this point my bitching ceases to be the fault of the theater except for the incredibly poor and slow service setting us way back on time.  The previews were playing, as my mom was going to sit down she knocked my soda (which I am not supposed to be drinking but that I got as a special treat) out of the cup holder and onto the floor spilling it everywhere.  I said FUCK under my breath and she apologized and I said no problem.  Then I turned to K and said “I”m going to the bathroom, do you need to go?”  She said no.  “No I don’t need to go!”  She was pissed that I asked, she was indignant at the accusation she might need to pee… so I bolted to the bathroom, went into the first stall, pissed like a race horse,  washed my hands and ran back to the theater.  As I walked up to our seats and tried to maneuver around the sticky wet soda spill to get in my seat the movie was just about to start… Mike looked at me and said “K needs to go to the bathroom.”

WhatthemotherfuckinghellomgImgoingtofuckinghaveatantrum!!!

Fine.  I took K to the bathroom but I gave her the evil glare and then told her in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that when I ask her if she needs to go to the bathroom she will tell me YES if she has to go and not wait 2 FUCKING MINUTES (no I did not actually say FUCKING to her but I thought it very loudly) to ask to go to the bathroom.

We got back into the movie just as the beginning credits were done and then snuggled and happily watched the movie that we paid 90 dollars for the 4 of us to see.

*Big Deep Breath*

This is why we almost exclusively see movies at the Moreland Theater by our house or at another independent theater… or we get movies from Netflix.  I love movies. I do.  I love them.

WE LOVE MOVIES

But we hate going to the movies unless we can go to a cool little independent place without crazy flashing screens all over the lobby and all the other insanity that goes along with the big chain experience.

Every time we choose to go to a big theater we draw closer to the moment we say “Never again”.  Today.  This day.  It may have been the line in the sand because between spending nearly $100 to go to the movies and the shitty service and the commercials all over the lobby…  we could barely make it to the movie part of the movie.

Here’s hoping the Moreland has Harry Potter next month because I don’t think I can handle the stress of a big chain theater and I don’t think I can handle the stress of waiting until The Half Blood Prince comes out on DVD.

Baaa Baaa Baaaaaaaaa

That is sheep talk because today, that is me. A sheep. A following along with the flow of the interwebby sheep. Baaaaa.

Why? Because The Holmes asks how I (not me personally I am sure he intended for everyone to answer) would recast (The Original) Star Wars.

Oh no he didn’t? Ahem, oh yeah, yes he did.

And I wouldn’t? Oh yeah babies, yeah I will.

So on with the show, the show where I write and you read and shake your heads in disbelief because my show is often more like a long painful train wreck that you would like to stop staring at but you JUST can’t because you might see some tits or carnage.

So onto the tits & carnage:

Luke Skywalker: Owen Wilson. It would be funnier with Owen in it plus he has that same weird thing where there is just something off about his face. With Owen you can look at his nose and say “oh yeah, that had to hurt” and then move on and be able to look at him, but Mark Hamill just had an overall facial oddness that was hard to concentrate on. It would be an improvement.

Han Solo: When I was a little girl my first ever mondo sized crush was on Han Solo. Really. The funny thing is I have never had a thing for Harrison Ford, it must be the costume. That was a yummy sight that caused many naughty thoughts later on in life, in honor of my first big ol crush I would cast my darling Mr. Kaos in hopes he would get to keep the costume… oh, and leave the Wookie on the ship, I’m not into all that fur.

Princess Leia Organa: ME, oh me please, who are we kidding a chance to get it on with Han Solo? I’m all in baby. I tried to think of someone else I really did but those boots and that little off kilter smile…. sigh…. every. girls. dream. Or just mine but really, who cares? This is all about me.

Grand Moff Tarkin: Gary Oldman. I believe that most good movies should include Gary Oldman in their cast. He’s rather brilliant and I think he could pull off the whole Tarkin thing in classic Oldman grace.

Ben “Obi-Wan” Kenobi: This is one thing I have a lot of difficulty messing with, I feel like Alec was the glue that bound the movie, but since I am being all pushy and recasting it anyway what the hell. My first instinct is just to say Ewan McGregor because I think his casting in the newer movies was one of the very few things done right, but is that cheating? Pooey, who cares if it’s cheating. Ewan McGregor I say. He nailed it.

Darth Vader: Two words: Eddie. Izzard. Mmhmm. Eddic. Izzard. This was a clear and simple easy choice as I do think he did a skit as Vader once and it stuck so hard in my mind I can’t shake him, I can’t shake him. It was either that or my darling Martin who likes to borrow large soup pots from peoples kitchens and put them over his head and then give a Vader speech, but his impression is too spot on.

So… how were them apples?

Let me start off by saying that while I am in fact a girl, even a vaguely girlie girl who likes to get her hair done, get pedicures and who has her brows waxed somewhat regularly I am not one of those go to the movies and weep over a love story, read romance novels and cry that it will never happen to me then eat myself portly over the injustice of lacking that certain sense of chivalry in my life kind of women.

I would say this is largely due to the fact that Mr. Kaos swept me off my feet and I don’t really feel I suffer from a horrible lack of romance, but the truth is I have never in my life been that girl.

Most men I know have watched more Meg Ryan movies than I have. If you were to quiz me on all the different genres of movies I would definitely fall short in the chick flick category. And horror. I’m not big into horror either unless it features Bruce Campbell, he has a certain flair in a horror flick that will not be resisted… but back to the chickflickiness.

I had a big shock and awe kind of moment last night when I found that TiVo for some reason thought I would want to watch Kate and Leopold. It recorded it as a suggestion for me and being all caught up on real television of substance and value (Doctor Who and The Daily Show) I decided to watch it to kill a couple of hours.

Well it did it’s job, my couple of hours are dead. dead dead deadski… and I am thoroughly disgusted with myself because at the very end of the movie I found myself thinking “Oh how sweet, Meg was like a bitter little Cami who never found her Mr. Kaos…”

Yeck. I’m disgusted. I think not having my own computer to play on at night has given me chickflickitis… If you see me going near the remote smack my hand and remind me that I am fully capable of being a bad bad girl.

No, not HP the big ol company that makes printers and computers and scanners, the other HP.

Harry. Potter.

Yes I love the books.

Yes I love the movies.

And no there are no spoilers on this page about the final book or the newest movie. I have not read it. I have not seen it.

BUT, if you haven’t finished Half Blood Prince, or seen the other movies and you CARE and don’t want things spoiled for you, move along.

I am incredibly excited because I have a date with one of my dearest friends to go see the new movie on Friday. It will involve drinking, dining, drinking, watching the movie, eating popcorn, candy and some cherry coke, and then afterwards perhaps more drinking…

But despite all the drinking the important part of the evening is us going to see the new movie together. We saw the last one together, oohed and ahhed and then snarked… We have high hopes for this one.

But am I more excited about the new movie or the new book?

No question. No contest.

I am so excited about seeing the new movie with my friend, but I can not wait to read the new book.

Wait, no, I can wait to read it.

You see the new book is released the day I leave for California and rather than picking it up at our 24 hour grocery store on the way to the airport and spending the time I should be sleeping reading it on my trip and being too tired to be any fun I am going to wait and read it when I get home, so please, no spoiling it for me. Don’t tell me about it okay?


But I will tell you something, wanna know? The other day my cousin posted her thoughts on who is going to die. It’s been said that at least 2 characters will die. She thinks Harry has to be one of them. You can go see what she has to say on it… I’ll wait.

Ready? I think that if Harry has to die then the entire story has no point. Because I have always felt that she was saying that we can succeed beyond all odds. We don’t have to play the shitty hand we’re dealt to it’s inevitable dead end. We can stand up, make a difference. And while we may loose friends and foes along the way we can still live our lives and make our world proud.

Ever the optimist aren’t I?

That isn’t to say the losses won’t be stunning, painful, horrific.

I personally think that Snape will die. Some you are thinking that’s no loss, evil deatheatingsonofabitch and I am thinking, he just can’t be that evil.

I think at the end of Half Blood Prince he did what Dumbledore asked. He did what he wanted. He finished things with the only man who had ever put real faith in him. I do not think Dumbledore was wrong. I think that he would have given anything, even his own life to protect a child, even as one as wretched as Draco.

And I think that Harry will kill him. Snape that is. Full of vengeance and wrath and ill placed hatred Harry will kill one of his staunchest allies thinking he is so full of the evil Harry strives against.

And I think in the end we will find out that Harry was wrong. I think in the end there will be proof that Snape isn’t what Harry thought.

And I think that is what will dirty Harry’s soul.

oh and I’m thinking she has to off one of the Weasleys too.

***************

Just a note on postcards. Do you want me to send you a postcard? Do you know at all what I am talking about? Check out my postcard post and if you want one let me know but please remember I can’t send you a postcard without your address. The cut off date for postcard requests is Wednesday July 18th.

and tomorrow, something serious.

A couple of you told me I needed to see this movie. You know who you are with your pick flick cupcake cleverness…

So I rented it, weeks ago. It literally just sat on top of my DVD player with MirrorMask and The Science of Sleep for weeeeeeeks.

Typically the only time I find for movie watching is with K. When it’s family movie night we fire up the projector and watch “family” movies on the big screen while we eat our homemade pizza, turkey sandwiches or Chinese Take-out. This is why Election sat on my DVD player for so long. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe Julie & Velma when they said it was good. I did, I really did.

I even asked Mr. Kaos one night if he wanted to watch it with me but he had no time, he was editing a video, dubbing off his old music from the reel to reel, cleaning the kitchen or doing something unimportant like paying the bills.

So I waited.

And waited.

The years that went by that I didn’t know this movie existed… it was just time wasted while I waited to watch one of the most hilarious, dark, intelligent movies I’ve seen. The character archetypes were clear and tangible. The acting was clever and quick. The writing, oh the writing, it was good.

I loved Election. Loved it so much that I wish I had been less like the sabotaging sister and more the psychotic Miss Flick. Why? I have no idea. But maybe it’s because when Reese Witherspoon (who I am usually not a big fan of) threw herself into a snit she was there 100%. That was impressive to me… as was chasing the skater brat down the hall for stealing gum…

There is so much brilliance in this movie that I’m not going to talk about because I don’t know if you’ve seen it and I so don’t want to spoil the fun of naked, sweaty, swelling discovery for you…

So, have you seen Election? Did you love it? Back in the day when you were in school who do you think you were, and more importantly, who would you have voted for?

Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I hold Martin Scorsese to a higher standard than I do other film makers but the fact is I just watched the Departed and I say BOO.

He won an academy award for that? Really he did? Why? Are we unfamiliar with other films he has made? Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, Good Fellas. Yeah. He made those. And an impressive list of others as well.

If it had been some popcorn movie or made by some other directer I may have liked it more, but I heard such wonderful things about what an amazing and shocking film The Departed was. To me, it wasn’t.

Not just me, I should interject here that Mr. Kaos really didn’t care for it either. I would love to tell you what exactly he said but it was far too absurd and childishly potty mouthed. Plus I am writing this at 1 something in the morning and can’t remember.

Don’t get me wrong, some amazing performances were delivered. Nicholson was engaging and fun if a bit over the top and DiCaprio played his part masterfully. Damon fell flat for me and I thought Wahlberg was just a little TOO agro to believe.

To sum up, it wasn’t good. It wasn’t bad, but I wish I’d watched Good Fella’s instead…

I don’t often talk about my love of movies here. But I love movies. I really do, but I just had a big ol smack in my movie lover face. It started last night when I stopped chatting with 2 of my favorite pals to pop in a piece of dvd shaped crap.

Have any of you seen Eragon?

If you’ve been reading my blog for a while you may have caught a post I wrote in December last year go blow it out your roof… My parents were in town and we had all planned to go see a pre screening of Eragon with my brother and S, however, there was a windstorm that night that kept us inside. As it turned out the theater lost power and no one got to see it.

THANK YOU WIND STORM!!!

Eragon was so poorly made and so horribly adapted from the book that at the end I cried. I literally cried with frustration and irritation at the 1 hour and 45 minutes or so of my life I spent watching the characters so well crafted by Christopher Paolini slaughtered. wasted. shat upon.

It was BAD.

Redeeming qualities? No. Well, I love Jeremy Irons and even though they messed up his character he was still amazing. But he isn’t the whole movie, and one good portrayal does not a good movie make.

At a best (if I had not read the book) the movie would have been awful and hard to follow. There was no flow at all to the story, it was chopped into tiny bits and pieces and the editing was crap. I count myself as lucky to have read books 1 & 2 before seeing it because they give you information in the movie you aren’t meant to have until the 2nd book thus ruining things for the happy reader.

If you are at all interested in the story read the books I think you may find they’re worth your time, but in case I haven’t made my opinion clear, the movie is not…